Board Thread:Fun and Games/@comment-29980193-20200210031510/@comment-71.255.116.68-20200307032411

sigh

Well let's get this over with.

Here's the post I asked Sakura if I may post here concerning my ban and such, Super, this is technically in response to you as well since I mentioned your comment to me here.

Just.... something I wrote in the project thread at 3:32-3:44  but didn't post because I didn't want to interrupt the flow of getting things done, talking about my views on the ban, what I've been up to and how I've been doing, and... y'know.... stuff..............

So it was fresh in my mind and I actually had something to say about it and whatever, that wasn't like angy screm or something depressed or complaining right out of the gate or whatever the fuck... That's..... kinda why it's more thickly paragraphed, loose, jumbled and stream-of-consciousness writing than my usual posts here, just, had to get it all out in a constructive manner or whatever, like my equivalent to Sakura's livestreams addressing things...

so.............

here you go i guess. :/

To address the obvious, my opinion of my ban is still the same as being unnessary and too-little-too-late, but I do understand the late timing as probably Westie wasn't up at that hour. I agree with my being punished for it, I also agreed with Super's comment, but was actually going to make another post in the New Hope thread, my proxy just couldn't post for some reason and they weren't blocked, we still don't know why.

They're a good person, just don't follow this, I had to actually talk them through how to link an image in a comment for my verification screenshot, you can even see I changed my Discord icon to the pumpkin anon I suggested as a stock for myself way back, just to prove it was me.

The ban was counterproductive and did the exact opposite of the intended purpose of calming me down. I know I sound like a broken record, but I was already calm and as I pointed out on my message wall, literally already was doing everything Westie said was the reason for why they blocked me so I could do them. I flipped out and had the reaction I did there because I still hadn't quite recovered from the shock fo what I had done and the cancelllation so I was on a guilt high and driven by a need to prove myself. This week has basically just been slow torture for me not being able to reply, seeing polls I have no way of voting in close in front of me, projects die without my constant input and thread ressurection (New Hope, obviously, although I may still submit some ideas there for changes to the Final Four characters), having ideas I'd like to post come, not being able to put them down, and then have then entirely leave me due to my memory problems, not even being able to work on other projects like my own parody and esspecially the King for a Day 1 movesets I worked on as a side thing while I couldn't do this (mostly minor idea expansion and Pitbull, Will still needs work, he's just a generic all-rounder since I can't think of anything for him at the moment) and I even tried to make a regular Wiki edit on Sunday because the edit button actually showed for me, and I was able to successfully write it, all in perfect form, then wrote a comment saying how I changed it only to promptly have "an error occur" and get extremely depressed and listless, or at least more than I've been.

I've mostly just been sluggish, casual, listless and often depressed. While this isn't as much of something as it is to like Sakura or Tony, it still is the main major actually productive thing I spend my time on, and I'm just back to pointless list-making or listlessly watching YouTube or fucking around on Discord otherwise, like I was prior to getting involved with this, only more depressed. I did however come up with a new art-related project that I'm actually going to finish the first stage of later this evening that I'm rather proud of. I've also been keeping a Notepad open with random ideas for arrangements and contestants that have come to me I'll probably copy-paste as is and edit the links in for ones that are just a description and not direct link.

Overall, relieved it's over, but not as jittery as I was before, I'm just glad to get back into the swing of things and get posting (like I was going to originally) and I got unblocked unintentionally at a good time to for me to make a reasonable response, I woke up depressed this morning for no reason and was pretty pissy right before I left for my usual semi-manditory appointment at 4:00 EST. I just want to get posting again, and... to be honest I really doubt I'm gonna actually respond on anything that happened in the last full project thread, considering that's the one the incident is in, and it would just make me depressed. Look forward to me finally posting those movesets I've promised since like practically since the King for a Day Discussion Board began I guess.... probably.. idk i post things whenever.

Also, I subconsciously proved myself right. I knew that if I had the ability to continue posting at all in any form I'd continue having a bad time and keep constantly posting literally like have half an hour or hour at odd hours of the night to unintentionally guilt-trip people and shit. I was right and got my message wall blocked for it, which.... actually helped me out as completely not being able to post, while making me listless and depressive, like I said, prevented me from probably getting perma-blocked by endlessly carrying on and making posts in various mood swings, and emotional highs and lows. I'm not very emotionally stable when I get upset, although I usually have it under wraps most of the time, I can just fucking explode for trival reasons like being overheated or whatever, and completely regret it 100% of the time whenever I do. I swap moods like a motherfucker, which also contributes to me recovering from incidents supernaturally fast as I showed prior to being banned, I can have an emotional meltdown and then be entirely fine 2 hours later, constantly on tippy-toes trying to fix whatever damaged relationship I just made. One of the reasons why I stopped taking care of my friends mental state because it was too much for me and they all found better people anyway, it's why I actively avoid trying to get into deep relationships ever since and during the aftermath of the cancellation was so despirate to "save" what was left of the project and "be good" and as neutral as possible, and went overboard saying I wasn't going to give opinions anymore, although of course I wasted no time going back on that promise, even before I got banned and flipped out.

I'm repeating myself again, but this project is literally the first group project I've ever been in, it's literally like...... it's makes me feel productive, but not in a "congrats you finished this thing you said you were gonna do, but that really means nothing" hollow way, in a way that legit makes me feel like I'm.. giving back to people or using my dissertation and overanalysis abilities or good or to help people or whatever the fuck. It's like.... the first community I've ever actually been a part of and did something to help, didn't get backlash and people aren't disgusted by or despise me and still forgive me for shit, I'm stopping here abruptly since I know at this rate I'm gonna start ranting about personal biz and this is already enough of a sob story as it is. I just

I couldn't control myself, and still partially inside 75% blame myself for the temporary cancellation, because while yes 174 was being an ass and it's technically entirely his fault, I shouldn't have acted the way I was. This is the reason I got my message wall blocked. If I'm feeling WAY too much of an emotion and have the ability to post to whoever it's directed it, I will unless it's literally impossible to, even if I could like say post in a dead group chat someone who unfriended me has the ability to read I would, but if they left it, I actually wouldn't. It's.... probably some psychology bullshit about if the other person is actually able to access and read it in that particular moment and........ i haven't had a meltdown like that since literally nearly a year during a dark time in my life, I........ don't know why I went on him that hard, he's clearly just some annoying kid just like any other annoying kid in the comments section of YouTube or that you see on subreddit screenshots or whatever (still the fact that even that didn't deter him or scare him at all, and he still remained sassy and self-important is still a testament to how thick-headed he actually is) and I'm pretty sure if I went off to a real life kid like that it would be child abuse, which double-kicks me in the balls because I actually am partial to kids because yadda yadda shitty childhood etc personal stuff, and I would never legit hit a kid, or go off THAT hard on somebody under teenage level, I'm not fucking evil, I have a soul, just a beat-up and jaded one. i know for a fact I pretty obviously have multiple mental problem, but due to incompetent doctors where I originally grew up I was never properly diagnosed correctly, so it geniunely wouldn't suprise me if I end up having bipolar or ocd or something.

I don't mean what wel.. that's wrong, that's a lie I do in the moment, but nothing I say in those moods is ever actually true deep down, I just..... spout off whatever and be vengeful and spiteful and whatever the fuck.

I know this is getting long and in fact this and everything else past the also was tacked on to the original message right now (as of time of writing, not posting), but like.... consider this apology stream or whatever, not like those fake shitty ones big-name YouTubers like Fake Faul make, but a geniune apology. I don't know what came over me in that moment, I didn't stop myself, even after I did it, and I ca never stop regretting it enough. So say I wouldn't do it again is understatement of the year, the cancellation and genuinely seeing and realizing what I can truely done in that moment, seeing Sakura in distress and cancelling everything, literally seeing in the moment all the pain and unhappiness I caused literally in only like what 10 minutes? That's... what caused all my lowercase comments after that not to mention a post I made to myself in the proxy's (they're the one I'm closest to and tell the most shit to) Discord chat. (paraphrased since it's pretty disturbing how far I beat myself down sometimes)

"this isn;t omegle you dick you can't just blow up at people and expec to be aboce consquences...  because you didnt' fucking control yourself you you hurt people..."

Needless to say, this and the quickly deteriorating comments I have on my message wall as I tried to get unblocked to "prove myself" are pretty good proof to show that me being distraught about what I had done was one hell of an understatement.

I can never stop being sorry for this and this basically just makes what Elch is being depressed and cynic about basically falling in a puddle and tracking it around inside the house compared to loosing said in a tsunami. I may be being melodramatic about this, but I highly feel my adverse reaction is warrented.

I'm going to stop here, I geninely ramble on for hours when it comes to being upset in text, and i know I've already gone too far. I just.... hope I don't get blocked for like harrassment emotionally or spamming the same thing or whatever, because then i would just utterly give up, I came close to my throat bunching up multiple times writing this, and also proved my own point about not shuttign the fuck up corect by not stopping myself form adding MORE shit on, of course starting with the comment about how I right about not shutting up.

Let's just move on from this, probably the last time I actually seriously mention that incident as anything more than a footnote or offhand comment, every time I think about what I did, I just... those goes my throat again. I can't handle it, and will probabbly just instantly start crying (which I don't do lightly anymore) and completely make myself so damn morose I ruin the entire day and can't do literally anything. Luckily, it's ten PM and there's no day lef to rui,n I just hope I don't ruin you all's.

-51, as close as I'll get to revealing my name, please don't use it (personal handle)