User blog:Super10ZX/Confession

Ok. This is something that’s been eating away at me for almost a year now. It’s something I thought would get better with time, but I have continued to feel a strong guilt because of it. And with things I’ve been thinking about doing for the month of June, these feelings have come back stronger than ever. I hope that by openly mentioning what I did, this fear and guilt inside me can finally go away.

It’s about Etika. We all know what happened, so I wouldn’t go into much. But during around April and May there was a fair amount of people making clown memes about him because of his actions. There was a very big divide in his audience, with many people hating the other side and everything got very intense at times.

At this point in time, especially after the mid April incident with police taking him away, I had no clue how to feel. It was and still is the only time I’ve seen someone I cared for going through something like this so intensely. Should I be angry? Should I be sad? Which side do I take? It was a very conflicting situation for me. In the end, I mostly tried to joke it off as a way to cope with it. To hide how serious things were.

Around mid May, someone made a YTPMV of a clown song using Etika samples, with the primary message of calling him a clown. And I ended up commenting on the video something along the lines of “This won’t be controversial at all”. The person who made it responded with something like “Yeah it should be fine”, and I replied with “Yeah, but the people who hate these Etika clown things have gotten very intense”.

This... this has been haunting me for a long time now. Most of the people who saw that comment may not even remember it, or don’t even care if they do. But it’s scared me. I already know there have been times where I didn’t openly pay respect to Etika because I’ve been afraid of the rare chance someone remembered that comment and would tell me “Oh, you said Etika was a clown. You don’t really care for him. Your only showing respect now that he’s dead”.

The worst part for me was that I didn’t feel this regret until he went missing. That’s when I finally couldn’t hide how serious his situation got, and I started to think, “Was it because of people like me this is happening? Was I part of the problem?”. And... it hurt. I realized the mistake I had made.

I just want to be able to openly pay respects to Etika without feeling this guilt, and once again I hope by confessing what I did and that I was wrong, it will finally get it to go away from my mind. And this whole situation has made me try to be a better person, to try and take stuff like this more seriously, to try and help others if I’m able to, and to not say stupid things like this I could end up regretting in the future.

And for clarification, I have nothing against the person who made the YTPMV, and continue to admire the work they put into what they do.

Etika. Thank you. For everything 🖤