[We hear the Wood Van speeding along]
HOBaRT: In 7 kilometers, arrive at: abandoned salsa factory.
Narrator: Three days before Halloween night. Our heroes sped down the road to the destination pinpointed by HOBaRT, where they hoped to find the first of the cursed.
Takane: I can’t help but wonder: why a salsa factory?
Wood Man: The place used to belong to Eminem before he outsourced all his manufacturing. So, I dunno. Maybe he’s the cursed or whatever.
Takane: Perhaps…
HOBaRT: [beeps] You have reached your destination.
[The group gets out of the Wood Van]
Wood Man: Well, here we are.
Yohane: Ughhhh. Can I please not ride in the trunk next time?
Wood Man: No.
Yohane: Come on! Why can’t we put the mixer there?!
Wood Man: He’s actually helping us.
HOBaRT: [beeps and whirrs]
Takane: Wait, if this place is abandoned, why are there tire tracks next to us?
Yohane: And some of the lights are on inside.
Wood Man: And that neon sign on the building says “Open for… busy-ness”. Must be Australian. Spanish, even.
Takane: Hmm… What could that possibly mean?
Wood Man: Well, let’s go inside.
[We hear a creaky iron door open up]
Yohane: Hmm, where are all the workers?
Carlito: [speaking with a radio transmission filter] Ha ha ha ha ha! Intruders in my factory?!
Takane: Where is that voice coming from?
HOBaRT: [beeps and whirrs] Hidden loudspeaker detected in: suspiciously out of place potted plant.
Wood Man: Man, I was wondering about that plant.
Carlito: Who are you gringos? Oh, never mind. I know Shady sent you to claim my prize!
Yohane: What are you talking about?
Wood Man: I think I recognise this voice.
Carlito: ¡Silencio! No one can stop me from bringing my family’s salsa business back to its former glory. Luckily, I prepared something just for this. I’m sending you… to the Puzzle Room!
Takane: What’s a-
HOBaRT: Oh no!
[We hear a clunking sound and they all yell]
[They fall down with a splat]
Wood Man: Damn. Ugh, that sucked. I think I broke my branch.
Takane: Where are we now?
Yohane: We seem to be in some sort of… waiting room?
Narrator: A coffee table, a few low chairs and a pair of cabinets were all that could be seen in the small, dimly lit room. There were no exits, aside from a door that laid just ahead.
Takane: [sigh] It’s locked.
Carlito: Mwhahahahaha! Buenos días! Welcome to the first stage of the Puzzle Room, amigos! But for you, it will be the last! Good luck finding a way to escape this chamber, minions of Shady!
Takane: He must believe us, we don’t work for-
Yohane: Well, this is… inconvenient.
HOBaRT: [beeps and whirrs] Sensors detect we have 17 minutes of oxygen.
Wood Man: Man, I have no idea how we're gonna get out of here.
Takane: We can’t give up now. There must be some way out! Wood Man, look inside the coffee table. I’ll inspect the cabinets.
[They start rummaging through the drawers]
Yohane: Have you found anything?
Takane: Nothing but a bunch of knick-knacks so far.
Wood Man: Same.
Carlito: You’ll have to find the perfect set of steps to have any hope of escaping. Mwhahahaha!
Wood Man: Hold on, there’s a key here. Maybe we can unlock something with it.
Carlito: Wait, no. Oh, puta madre, cyka blyat! Nyet nyet nyet!
Wood Man: Huh.
Yohane: Perhaps you should try… the door.
Wood Man: Guess so.
[Wood Man unlocks and opens the door]
Takane: Oh, what luck!
Wood Man: All me, by the way.
Narrator: The next room was entirely barren, nothing but concrete walls and a door. This time, not a key was in sight.
Yohane: It would seem he spent all his budget on the first chamber.
Carlito: Yes, we had a limited amount of investment capital. You try resurrecting a failing salsa company sometime.
Wood Man: So... what? Are you just gonna leave us here?
Carlito: Mwahahaha! That would be too easy. No, I have bigger things in mind. If a puzzle won’t stop you, then perhaps a riddle will!
[We hear the sound of thunder crashing, which is obviously coming from Carlito’s loudspeaker]
Carlito: I got this from a funky friend of mine. Ahaha! Listen closely. We have two groups, you see? [clears his throat] Red is in group A, gray is group B, white is… putting it down for group A, orange has a group B… tattoo? Green’s… A… Hold on a moment. [mumbles to himself] Ah, all right. [clears his throat] Red, white and green are in A, gray, orange and pink are in B. Now which group does black belong to, amigos?
Takane: I’m confused.
Wood Man: Seriously man, what the hell?
Yohane: Well, orange and pink are… No, wait! What about green? And white is... Oh, this is impossible!
HOBaRT: [beeps and whirrs] Abstract mixing engaged. [dial-up sound effect, beeps] Error! Clues make zero sense.
Wood Man: Screw it, I’m looking it up on GameFAQs. [He taps on his phone]
Carlito: Well, time is running short! Do you have an answer?
Wood Man: Uhh, hold on, hold on. [We hear dialing and tapping sounds coming from his phone, he mumbles to himself] Yeah, it’s group A. It’s A. Absolutely A.
Carlito: All right, hombre de madera. That’s your final answer? Ahaha, well, if you’re so sorry, why not tell me what set those four colors belong to? Your options are: the top six car colors or the top-
Wood Man: Flag colors.
Carlito: What?
Wood Man: They’re in the top six most common flag colors.
Carlito: How did you know that?!
Wood Man: Well, that’s what it says on my phone.
Carlito: Oh curse the infernal internet!
HOBaRT: [beeps] That was easy.
Takane: Great thinking, Wood Man!
Wood Man: Thinking? Nah, that’s just how I solve all my problems.
[They proceed onward]
Narrator: The next room, the heart of the Puzzle Room itself, had seemingly not been touched by Carlito’s renovations. The paint on the walls was peeling, and the concrete floor was riddled with cracks. This time, two doors stood at the opposite end of the room, and upon these doors were… inscriptions.
Takane: What do those doors say? Da and... het?
Carlito: Nyet, mi amiga. Ahaha, this is the final challenge you shall face, and the most deadly. Behind one of these doors lies my greatest treasure, where a cursed power runs this factory all on its own. And if you choose wisely, I’ll be powerless to stop you from taking my dear Felix for yourselves and the one you serve.
Yohane: I swear to you, we do not work for Eminem!
Carlito: But, if you choose the wrong door, it will unleash a poisonous, deadly gas, which will fill the room instantly and kill anyone who breathes it!
Wood Man: Dude, if you want to stop us, why not just do that anyway instead of giving us a chance to take Felix?
Carlito: Ha ha, it’s more fun this way! Anyway, you’re trapped in here until you make your choice. Aha, buena suerte!
Takane: So, we must choose a door...
Yohane: Da, or nyet…
HOBaRT: Translation mode engaged. [beeps and whirrs] ДА means yes, НЕТ means no.
Takane: If that’s the case, wouldn’t ДА be the good door?
Yohane: Ah, but perhaps that’s what he wants us to think! And in truth, we must choose НЕТ.
Wood Man: You’d think that, but НЕТ sounds like “net”, which obviously means it’s a trap and we should choose ДА. Except ДА sounds like “duh”, which means he think’s we’re stupid for choosing it, which means it’s the wrong door and we should pick НЕТ!
Takane: Why don’t you just look up the answer again?
Wood Man: My data just ran out and I am not paying for extra.
Yohane: Shall we put it to a vote?
Wood Man: Nah, I’m just gonna pick НЕТ. My gut hasn’t led me wrong yet.
Takane: Wood Man, no!
[Wood Man opens the НЕТ door. A tinny congratulations sound effect plays.]
Yohane: Very… fortunate.
Wood Man: Well, you coming?
[They all walk through the door]
Takane: Look at all those camera feeds. You could monitor the whole factory from here!
Yohane: My sensors tell me that Carlito was just here, but no longer.
Narrator: Lying on a chair in front of the monitors was a hastily scrawled note.
Takane: This must be from Carlito.
Carlito: [speaking normally, without a radio transmission filter] Congratulations, amigos! You have solved my Puzzle Room. I must admit that the wooden man’s logic during the final challenge was utterly impeccable, but precisely what I had in mind. But I must be muy rápido. If you want to catch me, too bad! I’m already on my way back to my cousins in Moscow. But you won, and as such, my grand prize is now yours for the taking.
Wood Man: Woah, there’s the “grand prize”, I guess.
Narrator: Wood Man was pointing at a large compartment at the back of the room. Peering inside the glass, they saw a horrifying figure.
Takane: Is that a… cat with no skin on its face?
Yohane: A cartoon cat, to be precise.
Wood Man: That must be... Felix.
Takane: So is he what we were looking for?
HOBaRT: [beeps and whirrs] Cursed power detected in: deceased lifeform of Felix the Cat.
Wood Man: I guess that means he’s one of your cursed after all.
Yohane: Now we simply have to get him out of here.
Takane: Ewww.
Narrator: Carefully, and very reluctantly, our heroes carried Felix’s compartment through the control room’s secret exit, back to the Wood Van.
Wood Man: So what now?
Takane: We found one of the cursed so we know they exist and, if my dream is true, that means the fallen angel is after the rest of them.
Yohane: Then our way ahead is clear, isn’t it? We must gather the cursed before she gets to them. Why don’t you give HOBaRT more clues and see what happens?
Takane: Well if I think back to my next dream, this is what I remember.
Narrator: From high above to far below
The wreck descended long ago
The souls upon it dead and gone
Save one, which somehow lingered on.
Where life once flowed through mortal skin
A thing quite different grew within
And now, with power strange and old
It waits there in the dark and cold.