[We hear the Wood Van driving along]
HOBaRT: 25 kilometers to destination. Recalculatin’...
Wood Man: Wait, you took us to the edge of the ocean without knowing the rest of the way?
HOBaRT: Oi mate, stop having a winge.
Wood Man: Okay, okay. Just, be fast, will ya?
Narrator: Midday, two days before Halloween night. It was unseasonably warm and sunny as the Wood Van screeched to a halt by the coast, waiting for HOBaRT to recalculate their route. Wood Man, Takane and Yohane disembarked to stretch their legs, only to find that they weren't alone…
Joker: [laughing] Cowabunga. Cowabunga!
Takane: Is that…
Yohane: That is the Joker. And yes, he is surfing.
Wood Man: Adding that to the list of things I wish I had never seen.
Takane: Well, we may as well have a look around. Perhaps the next cursed is closer than we think.
Narrator: At first glance, the beach was fairly sparse, save for the Joker’s partner in crime sprawled by an umbrella, trying to catch some rays.
Takane: Good afternoon, Krusty. How goes your search?
Krusty: Hey, can you get out of my freaking sun?
Takane: From the look of your arms, I don’t think you need any more sun.
Krusty: What? Oh, dammit! I’m orange! Don’t tell me I used the Krusty brand imitation sunscreen!
Joker: Joker’s trick! Ahahaha!
Krusty: You’ve gotta be kidding! This is about the fifth prank he’s pulled on me and none of them were funny! You hear that, moron?!
Joker: Oh, why so serious? [evil laughter]
Takane: I take it you haven’t had much luck finding the cursed?
Krusty: Eh, you’re not wrong. We were told there was one out here somewhere but we can't figure out where. So we thought we might as well take the chance for some R&R.
Takane: You know, I must ask: Why are you doing all of this, anyway? How does helping the fallen angel help you?
Krusty: Well, my show hasn’t been doing the best lately, you know. The kids only have eyes for rips these days, but some stupid four-second jingle was all my agent could get me! So, when this fallen angel lady came looking to replace the Insane Clown Posse, she said she’d get me a whole day's worth of rips. How could I resist?
Joker: Mwhahaha! Same here. Not to mention I couldn’t believe it when they put that purple buffoon into the tournament instead of me! It’s discrimination, I tell you!
Takane: If that’s true, why do all of this instead of simply… making your own rips?
Joker: Well, I’m the Joker, baby! [laughter]
Wood Man: [shouting from the distance] Hey, Takane! Looks like HOBaRT is finally done.
Krusty: Wait, you have our HOBaRT?!
Joker: Hey, we stole that thing fair and square! Give it back!
Takane: Umm, see ya!
[Takane runs across the sand and gets back in the Wood Van]
HOBaRT: Recalculation complete. Destination: ocean depths. Proceed straight ahead.
Takane: That can’t be right…
Wood Man: I’m not waiting for him to recalculate again. We’re going in. [he starts the engine] Everyone, get your snorkels.
Yohane: Snorkels?
[The Wood Van drives in with a splash]
Takane: I didn’t know your car could go underwater.
Wood Man: Technically, every car can go underwater.
HOBaRT: Arriving at destination in 14 minutes.
Narrator: They sank deeper below the sea, the abyss around them lit only by the Wood Van’s headlights. But slowly, they began to notice the faintest glimmer. Another light, even further down. Its dim glow flickered erratically.
Yohane: Could that light be what we’re looking for?
Wood Man: Nah, it’s probably just an angler fish.
HOBaRT: Arriving at destination in 1 minute.
Takane: That’s no angler fish.
Narrator: At last, the light’s source came into view, and it made even Wood Man speechless. The colossal husk of a space station rose from the ocean floor like the ruins of Atlantis, its emergency lights flickering red in the submarine gloom. The Wood Van settles to rest at the bottom, mere yards away from the looming wreck.
Wood Man: How the hell did a space station get down here?
Yohane: I would suspect this was the work of... gravity.
Takane: So, the cursed is somewhere in there?
HOBaRT: Cursed power detected nearby.
Yohane: We must go closer.
Wood Man: This is as far as my car can get. We’ll need to swim.
HOBaRT: [beeps and hums] Nautical mode engaged.
Yohane: I can sense dark energies from this place.
Takane: How can I hear you so clearly down here?
Wood Man: I bought some really good snorkels.
Narrator: They swam closer to the wreck of the space station. Not even their own movements were enough to break the sheer silence of the deep. It wasn’t long before they were close enough to see something suspended in the water, just outside an airlock.
Takane: Oh no. Is that a body?
Wood Man: Crap. I guess it makes sense if there were people on board this thing when it crashed.
Yohane: I must say, that space suit looks… surprisingly intact.
Takane: You’re right. And, it’s funny but… it almost looks like it’s not floating along with the current.
Wood Man: If I didn’t know any better then I’d say that helmet was… looking right at us…
HOBaRT: Cursed power detected: directly ahead!
Takane: Wait…
Astronaut: [speaking using staticy lyrics from “Astronaut in the Ocean” by Masked Wolf] What you know about rollin' down in the deep?
[crash, they all yell]
HOBaRT: Crikey!
Takane: What is that thing?!
Wood Man: Whatever it is, I’m not gonna let it get ahold of me! Everyone, inside the space station!
Takane: Will we be safe in here?
Yohane: Not for long.
Takane: Well, how are we going to capture it?
Wood Man: I don’t know, but you can work on that, while I worry about getting the hell out of here!
[crash, Wood Man yells]
Astronaut: When your brain goes numb, you can call that mental freeze.
[Wood Man gets frozen]
Takane: Wood Man!
Yohane: It’s no use now. We’ll come back for him once we’ve found a way to subdue this creature.
Takane: No, Wood Man was right. I can’t capture this thing! We need to get back to the van!
HOBaRT: [beeps and whirrs] Route to Wood Van calculated. Proceed to the east.
Yohane: Fine, I’ll do it myself.
Takane: Have we lost him?
HOBaRT: Cursed power still detected in: immediate vicinity.
Takane: Oh no!
Astronaut: Everything that I do is electric.
[crash, static electricity]
HOBaRT: Warning: safety hazard detected. Do not expose HOBaRT unit to electrical- [glitches out]
Takane: HOBaRT, no!!
Narrator: Takane made it out of the space station, but she was met with an unwelcome sight once she saw what lay in front of her, or rather, what didn’t…
Takane: I’m certain this was where we left the Wood Van!
[crash, Takane yells]
Yohane: Here, I’ve enchanted this helmet to capture the monster.
Takane: This isn’t the time for your theatrics, Yohane!
Yohane: Hmph, fine. Watch and see!
Takane: Wait, watch out!
Astronaut: When these people talk too much, put that shit in slow motion, yeah.
[crash]
Yohane: [in slow motion] Takane, catch!
Narrator: In her last chance to act before the astronaut’s power took hold, Yohane hurled the space helmet towards Takane with all her might. But their adversary was done toying with its intruders.
Astronaut: Energy up, you can feel my surge.
Takane: What do I do with this?!
Yohane: [in slow motion] Put it on!
Astronaut: I'ma kill everything like this purge (ayy).
Takane: Well, here goes nothing!
Narrator: For a moment, she was utterly disoriented. But then, she fixed her eyes upon the astronaut through her visor, and the helmet did its work.
[glitchy sounds]
Astronaut: I feel like an astronaut in the ocean.
[Takane hyperventilating]
Narrator: Takane removed the helmet. Through the visor, she could see the shadowy, ephemeral reflection of the Astronaut trapped within.
Takane: It… actually worked?
Yohane: Takane! You did it!
Takane: So, where did you find this helmet again?
Yohane: I told you. I enchanted it!
Takane: Sure…
Wood Man: Where’s that astronaut? Let me at ‘em!
HOBaRT: Cursed power detected within: containment vessel.
Wood Man: Huh. You mean, it’s trapped in that thing? That was fast.
Takane: You were frozen for a few minutes. We defeated it while you were out.
Wood Man: Oh, okay. Nice >:]
Yohane: It appears the Wood Van has returned! We can depart to find the next cursed.
Wood Man: Do we know where that is, yet?
Takane: Well, let me tell HOBaRT the last dream I can remember…
Narrator: From where it comes is never clear
But if it visits, hide in fear
It leaves none standing in its wake
No room for even one mistake.
So hold close to the ones you know
Or reap the dread that it shall sow
Now take your chance and make your claim
Or perish to its twisted game.
Narrator: Meanwhile, at the Burger King…
Big Chungus: Ha ha ha. I am the.. Big Chungus. From Space Jam movie. I sure love using the… ba-[bleep]-throom at 3 AM. I hope nothing… fu-[bleep]-dged up or unexpected happens. Like… seeing a tied-up person, or Jeff the Killer creepypasta character. That would be the worst.
[he opens the bathroom door, record scratch]
Big Chungus: What the f-[bleeeeep]
