HOBaRT: One minute ‘til crash landing. Please remain seated and keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times.
Wood Man: Here we go!
Takane: Everyone hold on!
Narrator: Morning, October 31st. HOBaRT was overclocking all of his cores in a desperate maneuver to slow The Skeld’s red hot descent. The only thing that the others could do was hang on for dear life as Earth’s atmosphere gave its best attempt to immolate the ship.
Wood Man: HOBaRT, where are we gonna crash?
HOBaRT: Attempting to reach target destination: fairgrounds.
Takane: And how’s the attempt going?
HOBaRT: Could be better.
Yohane: I shall use my unholy powers to draw us closer!
Takane: Great, thanks.
HOBaRT: Brace for crash landing in T minus 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, impact-
[explosion]
[door opens, footsteps]
Takane: Ugh, I never thought I’d be this happy to be back on Earth.
Yohane: Wood Man, is that all of the cursed?
Wood Man: All three, safe and sound. Well… more or less.
[Crewmate groans]
HOBaRT: Arrived 1 kilometer from destination.
Takane: How lucky is that?
Yohane: Haha! It wasn’t luck.
Wood Man: Oh, give it a rest.
[footsteps]
Jerma985: Ugh, that was- that was terrible. I- I feel awful.
Wood Man: Wait, you’re still alive?
Jerma985: Wha- Of course I am! What, do you think I’m- do you think I’m weak, that I have brittle bones?! I’ve survived more than ten men could in their lifetime, alright?
Wood Man: Alright, sure dude.
[footsteps]
Krusty: Well well, look at the city slickers pulling up in their not so fancy spaceship.
Joker: Looks like they didn’t fly so good.
Takane: What are you two doing here?
Krusty: It was our last assignment from the Fallen Angel. She was gonna do the ritual here with all the cursed, where she’d “tap into their dark power and become the ultimate cosmic being” or something. Plus we got a show here in half an hour.
Joker: We sold tickets to all our fans!
Takane: You have fans?
Joker: Well, he has fans. I have followers!
Wood Man: Well, too bad and so sad about your big ritual plans. We got everyone you were after right here, and we’re about to… [aside] What were we gonna do with them again?
Takane: I don’t think we ever figured that out.
Wood Man: All right, whatever. Either way, sucks for you.
Krusty: [sighs] No need to rub it in. She’s not gonna be paying us now, I can just tell.
Joker: And all of the food you brought is going to go to waste!
Krusty: Augh, don’t remind me!
Takane: Food?
Krusty: What, you want some?
Yohane: It has been quite some time since we ate a filling meal.
Krusty: Well, I got some burgers here! You can help yourselves.
Takane: Oh, don’t mind if I do!
Jerma985: Ooooh, Krusty Burger stream! Oh, pog. Oh, this is- oh, this is a special day. Let’s go.
[eating]
Wood Man: You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have over at Krusty Burger.
Krusty: Uh, yeah. Where did you think I got them?
Takane: Ah, that was filling. Almost too filling. I feel very… oh… uh oh.
Wood Man: What?
Takane: I’m feeling kind of lightheaded…
[Takane collapses]
Wood Man: Takane! You clowns poisoned her! And… ugh. I guess… not just her.
[Wood Man collapses]
Krusty: Poisoned?!
Joker: Uh, uh yes! Of course! That was our plan all along! Ohohoh! Delightfully devilish, Krusty!
Wood Man: Yohane, you still seem fine.
Yohane: [laughs like a witch] It turned out, I wasn’t hungry after all. Enjoy your sleep.
Wood Man: You have to… stop them!
Yohane: And why would I ever do that? They’ve been helping me the whole time. Well, not as much as you have.
Wood Man: Motherfuuuuu…
[Wood Man collapses]
Jerma985: Oh, I- I’m sick to my stomach right now.
[Jerma985 collapses]
HOBaRT: [beeps] Unhealthy food-like substances detected. Danger: safety hazard-
[Yohane turns HOBaRT off]
Yohane: Too late, little mixer. Hmph, you did your job well, though, leading us to all the cursed and freeing my clowns to focus on preparing the ritual.
Krusty: Wait, it’s you!
Yohane: Of course it is! Now tie up these fools, then take the cursed to the stage. We have work to do.
Narrator: The angel’s painted fools did their work to the letter, binding our incapacitated heroes backstage and laying out the ritual preparations on stage. As the sun fell inexorably below the horizon and the sky darkened, the crowd began to filter in.
[crowd chatters]
Narrator: At least, it was time for the night’s events to begin, and the angel’s infernal ritual to unfold.
[microphone shrieks]
Krusty: [does his signature laugh] H-h-h-hey kids! Welcome to a very special episode of the Krusty the Clown Show. Now I know you’re all used to the charming antics of Sideshow Mel, but today I brought on a special guest instead. Everyone say hello to my good friend, the Joker!
[crowd cheers and claps]
Joker: [through gritted teeth] I told you to introduce me as just “Joker”!
Krusty: Whatever. Anyway, I hope you fine people are ready for a great show tonight. There’ll be lots of laughs as usual, an unforgettable performance from Joker here, and in a first for the show, as the grand finale, an unholy arcane ritual that’ll be sure to bring you all to your knees! I mean, uh, to your feet. [laughs]
Takane: [moans]
Wood Man: Oh hey, Takane. You can get that duct tape off if you move your lips around enough.
[Takane gets the duct tape off]
Takane: Oh that’s better. But, Wood Man, what happened?
Wood Man: Those Krusty Burgers gave us food poisoning. Oh, and Yohane’s the Fallen Angel and she has the cursed and is probably about to do her dumb ritual now. I still can’t believe all that stuff ended up being real.
Takane: The Fallen Angel was Yohane all along?!
Wood Man: Guess so. To be fair, she has been calling herself that this whole time. I guess we should’ve believed her.
Yohane: Yes, you should’ve.
Takane & Wood Man: [gasp] You!
Yohane: I am the true Fallen Angel, but I am not the one up on that stage.
Takane: You’re expecting us to believe anything you say?!
Big Chungus: Yeah I, uh… found her tied up in the b-[bleep]-athroom at Burger King. It was kind of, er… awkward sauce?
Wood Man: Oh, Big Chungus! I didn’t see you there. I guess she must be legit, then.
Yohane: I’d still be in there if it weren’t for him. That false angel ambushed me in there! And if that wasn’t bad enough, she also stole my appearance.
Wood Man: Huh. If I had a nickel for every time you’ve been impersonated this week, I'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot, but it's still weird that it’s happened twice.
Yohane: Let’s get you out of those ropes.
[ropes falling on the floor]
HOBaRT: [beeps] G’day mate. Welcome to New HOBaRT XL OLED Edition.
Wood Man: Damn! His memory’s been wiped and he’s forgotten us.
HOBaRT: Negative. I just like to introduce myself.
Takane: We’ll catch you up later, HOBaRT. But right now, there’s no time. We have to stop the ritual!
[running footsteps]
Jerma985: Hey! Hey, aren’t you- Are you forgetting someone?! Hel- help me! I- I wanna come too!
Joker: Now, it’s time for the centerpiece of tonight’s performance! It’s gonna be a real showstopper! [laughs]
Krusty: [laughs] That’s right, folks. Please welcome to the stage the star of the show. She’s thousands of years old, but doesn’t look a day over 32! Give it up for…
Krusty & Joker: The Fallen Angel!
[crowd cheers, slow footsteps]
Takane: That’s her! Come on!
Yohane?: [using the same audio processing from the previous act] Thank you all for coming. Tonight, you will witness the world descend alongside me. I will reshape creation as I see fit, and all shall hear my voice without end.
[crowd cheering and clapping]
Yohane?: Enjoy the show, for I will need your energy to do what I set out to do tonight.
Joker: And that’s no metaphor, folks!
[a few laughs and approving vocalizations from the crowd]
Yohane?: Now bear witness as I claim-
Takane: Not so fast!
Yohane?: Ugh, you again.
Wood Man: That’s right, bitch!
[crowd gasps]
Yohane?: How did you escape?
Yohane: It was me, Yohane! The real one!
Big Chungus: And me, the Big Chungus!
[crowd cheers louder]
Yohane?: I thought I told you fools to tie them up tight.
Joker: We did, with my famous trick streamers!
Yohane?: Idiots.
Takane: Hold on. Before anything else, I wanna know: You’re not Yohane, so who are you really?
Yohane?: [laughs] I can’t even lie.
HOBaRT: [beeps] Detected immortal cosmic Sheila. Alias: Lady.
Lady: You two, keep them off the stage while I get to work.
Joker: [cracks knuckles] Time to show you why we’re called Fighting Clown Crew!
Krusty: We’ll put you further underwater than my second mortgage!
Wood Man: Alright, time to bust some clown heads.
HOBaRT: Calculated odds of victory: 49.5%.
Takane: Wait, why do we have to do this?
Wood Man: Uh, because she just told them to fight us?
Takane: Why should they listen to anything she says?
Krusty: We explained this to you literally two days ago.
Takane: But you’re seriously going to put your life on the line over some rips?!
Joker: Oh I don’t think our lives are at any risk from you! [laughs] Besides, this is my chance to prove that I am the most terrifying supervillain in the universe!
Big Chungus: Really? Well I think, uh… Riddler is more terrifying than you.
Joker: The Riddler?! That unstylish geek has nothing on me!
Big Chungus: But riddles are much more intellectual than jokes.
Joker: Then you must not have heard my best material. That’s why I’m doing this in the first place. She said she was going to make sure not a single soul misses out on my jokes.
Big Chungus: I don’t think the Riddler would simp over American hip-hop and dirty rap artist Lady.
Joker: A simp?! You can’t- I’m not- A gamer never simps over anyone! That’s it, I can’t do this anymore! I’m done working for that washed up old hag!
Krusty: Joker, what are you doing?! We signed a contract!
Wood Man: I’ll give you 30 bucks to help us.
Krusty: It’s a deal!
Wood Man: It’s in gift cards, by the way.
Krusty: Still a deal.
Narrator: With the Fighting Clown Crew turned to their side, our heroes finally made their way to center stage to confront their infernal foe, now known to them as Lady. But they were dismayed to find the ritual already well underway.
Lady: [laughs] I can feel the power of the cursed surging through my veins.
Takane: It’s over, Lady!
Lady: Nah, I think it’s only just begun. In a few minutes, I'll be unstoppable, and then the world will be yankin’ for all eternity. Here's a sample!
[Takane gasps, explosion, crowd gasps]
Yohane: Ugh, can’t you clowns do something about this?!
Joker: Oh this is so out of my ballpark. Oh what do I look like? A big guy?!
Lady: I see you two betrayed me. Hmph. Fine by me. I wasn’t going to give you any rips anyway.
[Joker and Krusty yell, explosion, crowd gasps]
Krusty: I should’ve… listened… when they said… there’s no money… in the apocalypse business.
Takane: We need to do something before she finishes the ritual!
Wood Man: It’s no use! She’s too powerful already. We’ll never get to her in time.
Yohane: If only one of us could use the power of the cursed ourselves! Then we’d actually stand a chance.
Wood Man: Don’t look at me.
[HOBaRT beeps]
Takane: What is it, HOBaRT? Wait a minute, you’ve been detecting the cursed for us this whole time.
Yohane: That must mean he’s sensitive to their dark energy! If he can sense the cursed, he can use their dark power.
HOBaRT: Affirmative. New HOBaRT XL OLED Edition comes equipped with mystical mixing mode!
Wood Man: Well, engage that mode or whatever.
HOBaRT: Now gathering energy from nearby power sources.
Yohane: We need to distract her while the machine gathers power.
Joker: I’ve got this. Hey, Lady! You wanna know how I got these scars?
Lady: I don’t give a rat’s ass!
Joker: Well, my father was a- wait, what did you say?!
Krusty: Hold on, let me do it. Hey, ever heard the one about the- [explosion] Okay, you’ve heard that one, I get it.
HOBaRT: Cursed power sources fully connected. Mixing sequence initiated.
Takane: How long until you can fight back?
HOBaRT: Estimated time is: 15 seconds.
Lady: What are you doing over there?
Wood Man: Uhhh… nothing.
Lady: Wait. Something’s sapping power from the ritual. I can feel it.
Yohane: I think you’re just imagining things.
Lady: You trying to gaslight me?
Wood Man: I think she’s onto us!
Takane: But she’s a second too late!
HOBaRT: [beeps and whirrs] Power up sequence completed. You have now upgraded to: New HOBaRT XL OLED Edition… Plus!
Lady: What’s happening? What have y’all done to my ritual?
HOBaRT: Estimated time to ritual completion: null. Banishment sequence initiated! [whirring intensifies]
Lady: No, no!
HOBaRT: Thank you for using HOBaRT.
[Lady yells]
[whirring stops, crowd cheers and claps]
[microphone screeches]
Krusty: That was a Krusty the Clown Show original, and for the kids watching tonight, the moral of the story is, uh… don’t sign contracts with weird demon ladies. See you tomorrow! [laughs] [off the mic] Dammit. I knew I should’ve charged more for tickets.
Takane: HOBaRT, you did it!
HOBaRT: HOBaRT tip of the day: No meal is complete without a balanced mix of ingredients.
Yohane: I think he’s trying to say “He couldn’t have done it without us”.
Takane: Oh, thanks HOBaRT.
[HOBaRT beeps]
Wood Man: Hey, enough of that sappy stuff. But, thanks, big guy.
Krusty: Alright, we’ve only got this place booked for another five minutes, so time for our curtain call.
Joker: Give it up for tonight’s supporting performances! And your hosts, Fighting Clown Club!
Big Chungus: And me, the Big Chungus.
[crowd cheers even louder and chants his name]
Big Chungus: Awh, shucks guys. What do you say we go outside and dance to my iconic 2019 parody of the hip hop song “Havana” called “Big Chungus, Ooh Nah Nah”? See you later, guys.
Yohane: Farewell, Big Chungus. I’ll miss you.
Takane: Well, we did it. We saved… Halloween, I think?
Wood Man: I guess so, if only it were this easy for Christmas.
Yohane: Well, what now?
Joker: Wanna come to Gotham with me? We can go TB the Batcave! [laughs]
Yohane: I’ll… pass.
Krusty: Eh, I’ve got nothing better to do.
Joker: [maniacal laughter] Then let’s be going!
[cartoon sound effects]
[footsteps]
Jerma985: Well, I escaped, no- no thanks to you people. I had to- I had to bite my way out of that rope.
Takane: Oh, I’m so sorry! We… didn’t see you back there, or… something.
Jerma985: Oh it- it- it’s fine, as- as long as one of you can treat my, uh- my inju- Wait. Next game? Chat, are you- are you kidding me right now? Next game? I’m in the middle of- uh, there is damage sustained to my org- fine, okay, all right, I’ll- I’ll be going now, I guess. [footsteps] See ya. [continues arguing with chat in the distance]
Takane: Are you sure we should leave him alone? He seems a bit… unstable.
Yohane: I’m sure that he’ll be fine… relatively speaking.
Wood Man: Well, I guess I’ll call the Wood Van to take us home.
Takane: You know, we can still make it in time for trick-or-treating.
Wood Man: Oh oh, count me in! I’ve got a great cowboy get up I stole from the movie set!
Takane: I meant giving candy to trick-or-treaters.
Wood Man: Oh uh… then, yeah, me too.
HOBaRT: Candy ball mode ready to engage.
Yohane: I suppose I’ll need a ride back as well. I’d… be happy to join the three of you for the evening, if that’s alright.
Takane: Of course you can join us.
Wood Man: But you’re still riding in the trunk.
Narrator: And so, our heroes overcame the cursed, thwarted the Fallen Angel’s nefarious plan and learnt the true meaning of Halloween, I guess? Whatever that is. Anyway, so ends the tale of the Fallen Angel’s curse, and just in time for Halloween night. That reminds me, I have a costume party to get to. I’m going as a sexy narrator. Wha ha! Later.
