Good evening.
This is an audio book reading, sponsored by Barnes & Noble from the series, "Audio Book Readings" sponsored by Barnes & Noble.
I am, of course, famed British actor and pornstar Benedict Cumberbatch, and the book we will reading today is "Jeremy and Elsie (formally "DOUBLE DASHING OUTTA THERE!!")", written by Tim "The toonlink" Taylor.
This book was published in 2011 by Blender Productions, Inc. Blender Productions, Inc: It doesn't matter if we secure an existence for people or a future for white children. Blender Productions Inc.
And so we begin.
Jeremy had woken on the morning of Thursday, November 21st 2013, more excited than he ever had before. The cause of this happiness: his Nintendo GameCube was being dropped off today, which he hoped would help him get in good with Elsie, the woman of his fancy.
Elsie was a cute girl whose brown eyes reflected beautifully from the glasses she wore. Her long brown hair was all Jeremy could ever think about. He also hoped she wore the black jacket he thought she looked so good in.
All day, Jeremy couldn't wait. He knew today was going to be an event-filled day of GameCube and hopefully hugging. Even maths class, he ignored Belinda, his friend in class, and kept on just thinking about Elsie. Every answer on the quiz he took was Elsie, according to him. He was so out of touch, his art teacher called on him 5 times, none of which he answered to, whomst could blame him. He was thinking about Elsie.
Around 4 o'clock, Jeremy's mother dropped off his GameCube. Jeremy only cared about one woman at the time, so he didn't even acknowledge his mother's presence, grabbed the GameCube and shut the door behind him, right in her face. He put it in the closet and waited. Finally, 7 o'clock rolled by, Jeremy was just sitting in his room, twiddling his thumbs, when he heard a knock on the door.
"Elsie," Jeremy yelled to the door, "I'm coming!" He opened the door to find not Elsie, but his friend, Kyle.
"Hello, handsome!", Kyle said with a wink, doing his best Elsie impression. "Kyle, what the heck are you doing?"
Now this is not in the book, but I do advise Barnes & Noble to watch their fucking language. This language is not appropriate for children and is should not be included in audiobooks of this caliber. Anyways,
"Kyle, what the [h-word] are you doing?" Kyle walked into Jeremy's room and sat down on the ground. "I'm bored", Kyle responded, "so I thought I'd hang out with you for a while. What are you going to do tonight?"
"I told you already," Jeremy said, "Elsie is coming over tonight. Can't you go anywhere else for an hour or so?" Jeremy had never been this angry in his life.
Tsk. Well, that would been nice to know before I read the line. I'm gonna try that again, a little angrier at this time.
"I told you already," Jeremy said, "Elsie is coming over tonight. Can't you go anywhere else for an hour or so?" Jeremy had never been this angry in his-" That's more like it.
Kyle was ruining what he had hoped to become the greatest evening of his life. His dreams were crashing down upon him, just because Kyle was bored.
Kyle sighed and then said, "Fine, I guess. I'll be back around 8."
"Yeah, you do that," Jeremy said, as Kyle shut the door behind him.
Jeremy sat down again, just waiting to hear another knock on his door. Finally at 7:04, a knock was finally heard. Jeremy rushed to the door and opened it. This time, it actually was Elsie.
"My goodness," Jeremy thought, "She's even prettier than I remembered." He just wished he could say it to her with love. "Hi," Jeremy greeted Elsie, "May I offer you a drink?"
"No," Elsie shook her head, "I'm good." Elsie plopped down on the floor. Jeremy went over to the closet. "Where are you going?", Elsie asked. "To the closet, I need to get the GameCube."
"Why isn't it set up yet?" That was a valid question, but Jeremy ignored it and grabbed the GameCube from the closet and started plugging it in. He plugged the yellow cord in first, as tradition, and moved onto the white and red cords. Finally, he plugged the AC adapter into the outlet and pressed the power button.
"Oh golly gee!" Jeremy cursed, "I forgot to put a game in. What game should we play?"
"Is that even a question? Double Dash." "Gosh, her tastes were as great as her looks," Jeremy thought, as he took the tiny disc out of the case and put in the GameCube. He then pressed the power button again. Still, the GameCube acted as if there was no game inserted in the GameCube.
"What's going on, Jeremy?", Elsie asked. "The game isn't being read," Jeremy responded, "I'll try cleaning it."
After taking it to the laundry room and putting it in the washer for a few minutes, he quickly dried it off and brought it back upstairs. This time when he put the game in and pressed the power button, nothing happened. All he could see were sparks coming from the GameCube.
"Dang it! I must've shorted it out with water."
Elsie could take no more of this. She stood up.
"Where are you going?" Jeremy asked. "You know," Elsie said, "I came here with full intentions of banging you after playing a little GameCube, but I don't think I could love a man with a broken GameCube."
With that, Elsie left Jeremy's room, leaving it and his heart empty. Jeremy fell to the ground crying as the door closed.
The end.
But it is also not the end, for the author has written more after the end, I believe this is some sort of epilogue thing, Barnes & Noble did not warn me about this, Barnes & Noble is not paying me for this, but you, dear listener, deserve this. So, I shall continue.
Belinda was awestruck after maths class. Jeremy ignored her. Why would he do that? Belinda had been nothing but nice to him and he repaid her by not talking to her and thinking about some other girl. What did Elsie have that Belinda didn't? While Belinda was trying to think of some logical answer to this question, a flash of lightning appeared in front of her. Shocked, she looked at the spot and some sort of object she had never seen before appeared in front of her. Suddenly, a woman got off (out) of the object with an orange cloak in her hand.
"Come with me," the woman said, "I can make you feel better." Confused but hopeful, Belinda walked towards the woman and left with her. For some reason, she thought she would be able to fix this somehow.
And that, dear listener, is indeed the end of Tim "The toonlink" Taylor's "Jeremy and Elsie (formally "DOUBLE DASHING OUTTA THERE!!")", published by Blender Productions, Inc. Blender Productions. I lost the slogan and I'm going to go find it. Ummm, (gibberish), Blender... Blender Productions: It doesn't matter if we secure an existence for our people or a future for white children. Blender Productions Inc.
Dear listeners, thank you very much, uhh, for staying with us, I am, of course, famed British actor and pornstar Benedict Cumberbatch. I hope you have enjoyed today's audiobook, presented in the Barnes & Noble audio book series. Uh, and with that, I will be signing off. Thank you very much.
YO NIGGA, LET'S PLAY SOME FUCKING DOUBLE DA-
