Meanwhile, in the Rapper's Union HQ...
Despite having been once destroyed, the headquarters had already been cleaned up significantly. The once dank room was now a busy, pristine office, filled with presidential campaign livery. There were countless assistants processing paperwork.
In the midst of it all sat soon-to-be-President Snoop Dogg and his running mates, Soulja Boy and Loud Nigra.
They were talking to what looked like a store catalogue with feet.
Snoop Dogg: Thanks for cleanin' this shit up on short-ass notice, HH.
HH: Hey, no problem! I pretty much had nothing else to do after Haltmann left me outside on the streets...
Soulja: I'm tellin' ya man, the dude's a nutcase.
HH: Perhaps "eggshell" might be a better way to put it.
Snoop Dogg: Word. Now, you know the drill from here, mah nigga. Get the word out. Let the people know they gotta vote for me. Do what'cha gotta do to sway the mothafuckin' public opinion.
HH: Oh! I think I have an idea for that!
How about... a song?
Snoop raised an eyebrow.
Snoop Dogg: Can you rap?
HH: Well...
HH breathed in...
HH: Vote for Snoop, he's your guy
H-H-H-H-H, H-H-H Greeeeggg
Panasonic Blu-Rays for you to buy
H-H-H-H-H, H-H-H Greeeeggg
Loud Nigra: AAAAAAAA!!
Soulja: Goddamn, Gregg, we're running a presidential campaign, not a fuckin' department store.
Snoop Dogg: Hold the fuck up...
I think this shit's got legs.
HH: Well, I mean, technically I don't, haha, but...
Snoop Dogg: I meant the song, mah nigga! Get a fly beat on it, this shit'll climb the charts.
Suddenly, the television across the room started to show a peculiar ad...
A short kid with spiked hair was standing behind a speaking podium. Next to him was a rather tall girl with a ponytail.
???: I'm back...
Citizens of Grandiose City and the world. My name is Misha, and this is my running mate, Monika.
Misha: These are troubled times we live in...
Riots throughout the streets. Wars waged across the world. Pokémon GO is not as popular as it used to be.
...But I believe we can change that...
Snoop Dogg: ...The fuck is this lil' bitch talkin' about?
Misha: I believe in a world where Figments and humans can get along without prejudice.
I believe in a world where everyone can wake up, grab their phone, and play Pokémon GO everyday without the fear of haters or cyberbullies.
...Where people can go vegan and still be strong...!
Monika: We'll work together to create a world where no Figment or human will ever be unloved or forgotten.
A world where we can write our achievements proudly onto the pages of our lives, becoming fine literature to inspire those who come after us.
Misha: Fuck Haltmann. Fuck Snoop Dogg. I am the best.
Pokémon GO to the polls and vote for me.
Monika: Just Monisha. 2016.
Make the right choice for me, okay?
[The Just Monisha campaign's logo is displayed with the text crawl "This ad was paid for and approved by the Just Monisha Advertising Campaign."]
The advertisement ended. The entire room stood stunned, in shock at what had just been televised.
Loud Nigra: HUGGGGGGHH!
Soulja: I thought we were only running against Haltmann?!
'HH: Aw geez, we've got no chance now!
But Snoop stood back, unfazed. In fact, he even wore a smirk.
Snoop Dogg: Heh... that's just two more niggas in the way of mah glock.
HH: You're talking figuratively, right?
Snoop Dogg: Whatever, homie. Listen: I don't care if I gotta suck every mothafuckin' voter off, I'll do whatever it takes to win this goddamn election.
I'll be hustlin. What about you?
Everyone stared at Snoop, speechless.
Snoop Dogg: Just get back to work mothafuckas.
Snoop and his team got working, everyone being assigned tasks to help get voters on board.
HH Became campaign manager, while Snoop, Soulja and Nigra hit the city streets... which where already getting decorated with electoral propaganda.
Soulja Boy: Damn, looks like we got even more competition that we thought.
There was the Mario Party...
Team 10...
The Fighting Polygon Party...
And...
[Cut to a campaign poster for Doge.]
Doge: Sharon, you treacherous witch. Release me from this accursed campaign poster at once!
Despite the increasingly stiff competition, Snoop was undeterred.
Snoop Dogg: C'mon, let's get our mothafuckin' soapbox on.
HH had booked a local square for a "town hall" Q&A event, to promote Snoop's image as a man of the people.
Before long, the Q&A began.
Snoop Dogg: Alright mah niggas, what do y'all want to know?
The first to take the mic was a familiar villainous face.
Robbie Rotten: What is your position on the value of... physical activity?
Snoop Dogg: Uh... I think it's important to exercise and, you know, stay healthy. Shoot some hoops with the homies, maybe.
Snoop noticed that Robbie did not look too happy at this.
Snoop Dogg: Or, you know, you can not do that. Sit back, chill, maybe sample some aromatic herbs if you know'm sayin'. You know, tha's cool too.
Robbie Rotten: [slowly] I see.
Next up was a portly elderly fellow with the look of an academic.
Dr. Andonuts: This is to VP Candidate Soulja. How does your party plan to support the scientific community of the city?
Soulja Boy: Oh, science is the shit, nigga. I'll give y'all some cash no problem. Gotta respect the hustle, am I right?
Dr. Andonuts: Sounds agreeable. Thank you for your time.
Third was...
Dog: Bark? [How does your platform on natural public spaces differ from that of the Dog Party?]
Snoop Dogg: Well, I dunno what they really been promising, but-
Soulja Boy: Wait, you can understand what the dog said?
Snoop Dogg: ...
[Snoop rolls up a sleeve.]
Soulja Boy: Oh, right.
Snoop Dogg: Anyway. If y'all talkin' parks and all that, you know I'm all about that shit. Gotta keep things in harmony with nature, you feel me? This whole city's way too dense and gray.
I'm guessin' you from the country. dawg?
Dog: Bark. [That's right. Glad to hear you care about greenspace and parks in the city. Thanks for your response, Mr. Dogg.]
Snoop Dogg: Oh, you know I care about that green space nigga.
[Current poll results are displayed onscreen, with the Poké Poké Literature Party in the lead at 27%, the Rappers' Union at 23%, Haltmann at 16%, the Fighting Polygon Party at 14%, Team 10 at 10%, the Mario Party at 7%, and the Dog Party at 3%.]
While the Rappers' Union was busy campaigning, one of their other opponents was out in the streets as well.
He was engaging in a less reputable type of political behavior...
Jake Paul: Can someone explain to me why we're down in the polls?! This is not very cash money.
Nick Crompton: We have to do a better job of convincing the people that if it weren't for Team 10, Grandiose City would be shitty.
???: Actually, there is a reason for your struggles.
Jake Paul: Who the hell are flippin' you?
[A figure in a Pikachu hoodie appears.]
???: It doesn't matter who I am. What matters is the Rappers' Union's plan. They've been trying to sabotage your campaign.
Jake Paul: [slowly] What?
???: They think you're inferior rappers, so they've been running smears against you and tearing down your posters.
Jake Paul: Inferior rappers? I'm the best who has ever lived!
???: And that's not all. They're the reason you got fired from Disney, Jake.
Jake Paul: Oh, that's it! Time to teach these assholes a lesson that'll make 'em regret ever messing with us. Thanks, weird midget. Team 10, roll out!
At Jake's command, Team 10 left to go confront the Rappers' Union. Once alone, the cloaked figure removed their hood.
Misha: Hehehe. I play Jake and his bros everyday.
After a busy but successful day of campaigning, Snoop and the Union were relaxing in their headquarters, blissfully ignorant of the approaching storm.
[Someone knocks on the door.]
Snoop Dogg: C'mon in nigga-
The door slammed open, revealing a group of angry white kids looking ready to rumble.
Soulja: The fuck's this all about?
Jake Paul: Time for you assholes to pay! You should've known not to screw with Jake Paul and Team 10!
Snoop Dogg: [slowly] ...Who?
[normally] Anyway, dont come any closer, unless yall want to meet the business end of mah glock!
Jake Paul: Fuck you!
Paying no heed to Snoop's threat, Team 10 rushed the Rappers' Union in a violent frenzy. He told them to back off, but they didn't listen...
[Six gunshots ring out.]
HH: ...I guess you, uh, really dropped them like they were hot!
But one member of Team 10 hadn't fallen.
Nick Crompton: Please, don't shoot!
Snoop Dogg: Gimme one good reason, nigga.
Nick Crompton: I'll doin your Rappers' Union! I can help you in the election!
Snoop Dogg: Can y'all even rap? You don't look too gangsta to me.
Nick Crompton: Yes, I can rap, and no, I'm not from Compton.
Snoop Dogg: Aight, well... I'm feelin' generous. You can ride with us... if you prove you can handle it.
HH, get this place cleaned up... again.
Thus, one of the Union's opponents had been dealt with, and Nick Crompton began his training to join the Union.
Meanwhile, at the headquarters of the Poké Poké Literature Party...
Misha: You won't believe what I just did!
Monika: What is it now?
Misha: I convinced Team 10 that the Rappers' Union was sabotaging their campaign, and they went off to get payback. With any luck, they'll have taken each other out of the game by now. We're on our way to a Victory Royale!
Monika: Alright, good job, I suppose. Keep doing your best.
Misha: C'mon, aren't you glad? Or something?
Monika: I just think we should be focusing on more important things right now. Y'know... from this point on, can you just follow my lead?
Misha: Oh... Okay, I guess.
At the same time, in the neighborhood known as The Kennel, the underdo - that is, the dark horse party met to discuss strategy.
Dog #1: Bark. [This meeting is now in session. First item on the agenda: How shall we go about making it possible for other dogs to actually participate in the polls?]
Dog #2: Bark... [Personally, I'm not sure we need to. We know we have their vote, and making the other parties think we have less support could - ]
Dog #3:] Wait, shouldn't this be a private meeting? What's the deal with that guy hiding over there repeating everything we're saying?
Translator: [is a human in a dog suit] [Shit, they're onto me.]
[Current poll results are displayed onscreen, with the Poké Poké Literature Party still in the lead at 32%, the Rappers' Union at 30%, Haltmann at 16%, the Fighting Polygon Party at 11%, the Mario Party at 10%, Haltmann at 9%, the Dog Party at 8%, and Team 10 listed at "RIP%".]
Time flew much like a penguin doesn't, and soon came the day when each party's tireless efforts of campaigning, strategizing, and carefully planned equivocating would shortly be rendered moot - with the exception of the winner.
Hyness: GREETINGS, citizens of Grandiose City! Today is a glorious day... indeed... for you shall all bear witness to the crowning of the next President!
Soulja Boy: Can this goofy-ass lookin' nigga cut the theatrics and let us get on with this shit?
Hyness: As is the grand tradition, here in the first ever election, the two most popular parties shall each present you all with a glorious speech, to claim the hearts and souls of the last voters! Then, because of MAGIC, the winner shall be announced immediately after the final ballots are cast. Yes... this is all entirely fair and technically sound! The first speech shall be given by... the UNION of RAPPERS!
Soulja Boy: Guess that's us.
Snoop, Soulja, Nigra, and their newest associate Nick Crompton took the stage.
Snoop Dogg: Alright, uh. 'Sup, Grandiose City?
The crowd's reaction was muted, to say the least.
Snoop Dogg:' Y'already know why we're up here. We've had enough of Haltmann's bullshit, and we know y'all have too. And do y'all think those two kids know shit about how to run a mothafuckin' city? We're who you gotta vote for.
...
The crowd waited unenthusiastically, expecting more. Snoop turned to Soulja.
Soulja Boy: Uh... yeah, what he said. You can't do it like me, so don't try to do it like me. I'm the only one who can be the VP y'all need. Haters wanna be me, Souja Boy, I'm the man.
One citizen out in the audience started to boo. Quickly, others joined in.
Loud Nigra: AUUUUUUGHHH!!!!
'The boos continued to grow. In the Rappers' darkest hour, the only one who had yet to speak was their newest member. Could he save their situation? Nick took a deep breath, and then took the mic.
Nick Crompton: You know, at the start of this campaign, I was with Team 10, under the command of Jake Paul. But he acted on an impulse born from an obvious lie, and led us to destruction. The c*nt.
It wasn't 'til I joined the Rappers' Union that I saw what true leadership looked like. I truly believe that Snoop Dogg, and Souja Boy, and even Loud Nigra, are the only candidates in this election with the ambition, the street smarts, and dare I say it, the chutzpah to run this city the way you deserve.
You know where your vote belongs.
For a moment, the crowd was rendered speechless by Nick's passionate plea. The silence stretched for what couldn't have been more than a few seconds, but felt like an eternity.
Then the boos began anew.
Snoop Dogg: Man, fuck this.
Dejected, the Union descended from the stage
Hyness: Next up... The Poké Poké Literature Party! Better known to you puny commoners as... MONISHA!
Misha and Monika climbed the steps to the platform, passing the Union on their way up. Misha took the chance to nonchalantly flip off his opponents as they changed places.'
Monika began to make her way towards the mic, but Misha ran ahead to take it first.
Misha: Hey, fuckers! It's the moment you've all been waiting for. It's time to Pokémon GO to the polls and vote for me! Monika and I have such awesome plans for when we get elected, I can't wait -
Suddenly, he became distracted by a buzzing in his pocket. He reached in and pulled out his phone.
Misha: Holy shit, a Dragonite!
Forgetting any trace of what he'd been doing, Misha rushed down into the crowd with his phone out. He was soon lost in a stampede of other Pokémon GO players rushing for the prized 'mon.
Monika stepped forward to the mic. Her expression was carefully neutral, but from a certain angle it almost appeared that she was smiling.
Monika: What an... unfortunate... distraction for him. It seems I'll have to proceed on my own. Ahem.
Citizens of Grandiose City. Look around. What do you see before you? A city in disarray. A world in chaos. Who do you believe can stem the tide?
Not Haltmann; his mistakes created this mess.
Not the Rappers' Union; they come from the streets. They thrive in chaos.
It can be only someone with the serenity and strength of will to bring things back to normalcy.
Only someone with the youthful spirit to take risks but the experience to know which ones to take.
Only someone whose heart has been taught by love and pain but whose mind has learned from words of wisdom and knowledge.
I alone can lead us into the better future that we all imagine.
I alone can write the story of a new world, a world of peace and hope.
I alone -
A voice cut in from the crowd.
Snoop Dogg: - can suck on deez nuts.
Monika: ...
What did you just say?
Snoop Dogg: You heard me, homie.
And by the way, 'sup with all this 'only me' stuff?
I thought you n' that dumbass kid were partners.
Monika: I- what makes you think you can interrupt me like this?! Have you never heard of respect?
Snoop Dogg: I respect all people, nigga.
We all brothers and sisters in this creation.
But you seem like the kind of chick to cap your best friend just to get whatchu want.
Monika: ...!
Where would you get an idea like that?!
Hyness: ENOUGH OF THIS! Your time is EXPIRED. The polls have just now closed while you were bickering! It is time for the moment...
The WINNER of this election!
And your new PRESIDENT!
Iiiis...
The announcement was cut off by the sudden noise of a violent explosion, coming from no place other than the Tower itself!
The amassed citizens began to scatter in panic, fleeing the scene for fear of falling debris. Hyness tried to call out the name of the winner, but found the power to the mix had been cut in the chaos.
Snoop Dogg: Let's get the fuck outta here.
Soulja Boy: Y'all go. I gotta be somewhere.
Snoop Dogg: Whatchu talkin' about, nigga?
Soulja Boy: Don't worry, I'll be fine. Go!
Leaving no room for more argument, Soulja fled... towards the Tower. Snoop stepped forward, as if to stop him, but he realized there was nothing more he could do. He would just have to pray his friend would be alright.
Thus, the Rappers' Union fled the scene, and the fate of the election was left unknown. Also unknown was whatever had caused the Tower explosion...
...at least, for now.
TO BE CONTINUED...'
