[Fade in from black on Garry's Mod footage showing a large sign as "Hazardous Environments" from Half-Life 2 plays in the background. The sign reads as follows:]
Now entering:
VALVE HQ
HOME OF GABE NEWELL
Violators will get shot
[The camera turns to the right, showing the "Valve HQ" building's entrance, with various Gabe Newell posters on its walls. A room from inside the building with pictures of Half-Life 2 and Team Fortress 2 official artwork is then shown, followed by a view of a shrine dedicated to Gabe, labelled "LORD GABEN". Afterwards, the Engineer is shown watching the rip "Team Fortress 2 (Main Theme) (Beta Mix) - Team Fortress 2" on a computer, followed by a Loud Nigra scream and the Engineer himself screaming. The video then cuts to a door, from which Gabe emerges with banknotes.]
Gabe: Gaben. Uhh...
[Gabe stands up suddenly, with a menacing facial expression as dramatic music plays. The video zooms in on his face until a Gabe Trollface appears accompanied by a fart sound effect. Gabe then walks into the room and sees the Engineer watching the aforementioned rip, accompanied by sentence-mixed clips of the Heavy saying "I'M CUMMING" and screaming. Gabe turns to the Engineer, grabs him by the neck and throws him out of the room. The Spy then teleports in, saying "Surprise!", grabs the Engineer and teleports away.]
Gabe: There we go.
[Gabe scrolls through the SiIvaGunner channel's "Videos" tab with a confused look on his face, before being interrupted by AOL's "You've got mail!" sound effect and an automated message from the SiIva A.I., as SiIvaGunner's avatar is shown on the computer screen.]
SiIva A.I.: Hello Gabe Newell! This is an automated message from the SiIvaGunner A.I., an A.I. designed to detect any wealthy man who happens to click on the channel.
[A picture of President Haltmann is shown on the screen.]
SiIva A.I.: Haltmann Works Company wants you to know that we are going to be hosting an auction for the channel very soon, and we'd like you to participate.
[The SiIvaGunner avatar is shown again, with two red arrows pointing downwards.]
SiIva A.I.: A list of those who are currently interested are listed below. Thanks, and have fun.
[Gabe says "what the fuck" and slaps his keyboard haphazardly. A text file titled "List of Auction Participants" is then shown, scrolling downwards. The list reads as follows:]
Dr. Evil
The Scout
Dr. Robotnik
Joel
Waluigi
Rick and Morty
Porky Minch
Scott the Woz
Tricky
Coach
EPIC GAMES
[The video dramatically zooms in on "EPIC GAMES", followed by Gabe saying "rly." and imagining the Epic Games founder Tim Sweeney giving Haltmann a bag of money, followed by Gabe giving Haltmann even more money and the Team Captain hat from Team Fortress 2, accompanied by the text "WINNER WINNER" and airhorn sound effects, and Tim closing the Epic Games Store. Gabe then laughs while Bowser's laugh from Hotel Mario plays. The SiIvaGunner avatar is shown on the computer screen once again.]
SiIva A.I.: And by the way, the auction is happening... in one minute.
[Gabe's face heavily distorts and "Yakety Sax" by James Q. "Spider" Rich and Boots Randolph starts playing as he runs through the building while repeatedly saying "Gaben", gets in a car and drives away. The video then cuts to a stage with "Pause Screen (Mother's Caption)" from Kirby Planet Robobot playing in the background as Gabe runs to Haltmann.]
Gabe: Hi, this is Gabe Newell, I work at Valve.
Haltmann: Ah yes, Gabe, glad you could make it! Please, please, stand right over there.
[Gabe runs to a set of seats and stands still.]
Gabe: Okay.
["Noble Haltmann" from Kirby Planet Robobot starts playing in the background.]
Haltmann: Welcome to the SiIvaGunner channel auction! After 5 years in development, hopefully it will be worth the weight... Each of you will present the amount you are willing to give up for the channel, are you all ready?
[Wood Man is shown giving a thumbs-up.]
Haltmann: Then let us begin! Hahahaahaa!!!!
[Cut to black. "Overworld" from Super Mario Bros. 2 starts playing as each auction participant is shown standing on the stage and saying their respective bids. Yellow speaker icons appear above them as they speak, with their voices filtered as if they're speaking through a low-quality microphone. The first bidder, Joel, stands besides Haltmann.]
Joel: TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS!?!?!?!
[Cut to Morty and Rick, with the latter being a pickle and spinning in place. The camera zooms into Rick as the scene progresses.]
Morty: Come on, Rick, it's three in the morning, wh- why do you keep selling us out!?
[Cut to Waluigi, who is crouching next to Haltmann.]
Waluigi: WAAAAAAAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!
[Cut to the Scout, who dances in place as a bucket of fried chicken appears on Haltmann's desk.]
The Scout: I got a bucket of chicken, and I'm here to kick ass. And I'm all outta chicken, so I lied about the chicken.
[Cut to Scott the Woz, who is represented with a static image.]
Scott the Woz: Hey all, Scott here! [An image of a dollar bill comes out of Scott] I HAVE TWENTY DOLLARS AND I NEED A WII GAME FOR MY KID-
[Cut to Tricky, who is floating in mid-air. Vocals of "Madness" from Madness: Friday Night Funkin' (Tricky Mod) are played, with shaking red text around him reading "CLOWN DOES NOT PAY MONEY!!! CLOWN PAYS WITH YOU!!!". Afterwards, cut to Porky Minch, with his dialogue shown in an EarthBound-style text box.]
Porky: Haha! You all lose! I'm paying with infinite Porky dollars! No one can beat that!
[Cut to Dr. Evil, who is represented by a gray Team Fortress 2 Medic. "Overworld" stops playing as he turns his head around with suspenseful music.]
Dr. Evil: One million dollars!... sorry- [Coughs] One hundred billion dollars!
[A stamp reading "DISQUALIFIED" appears over Dr. Evil with red text at the bottom reading "Didnt have the money...", then cut to Gabe running towards Haltmann. "Pause Screen" from Kirby: Planet Robobot plays in the background.]
Gabe: Uhh, we have lots of money. Ten thousand moneys.
Haltmann: Well, that seems to be the last offer... Coach had steak dinner, Robotnik got defeated by a blue hog? And Epic-
[A door is heard opening and Ninja runs into the room.]
Ninja: You kiss your mother with that mouth!? An anonymous... one hundred thousand dollar donation.
[Gabe's face is shown, accompanied by the Vine Boom sound effect. He then holds up the middle finger.]
Gabe: YOU FUCKING SHIT!
Ninja: THE FUCK DID YOU SAY TO ME, YOU LITTLE SHIT!?
[Ninja cackles at Gabe, then gets thrown across the room. The two then start shooting at each other as "The Only Thing They Fear Is You" from DOOM Eternal plays in the background.]
Ninja: Listen here, you little SHIT! I... will take a DUMP!
Gabe: Uh, no?
[Gabe kills Ninja by shooting him with a grenade launcher, then celebrates as the "WINNER WINNER" text appears above him and "Victory Fanfare" from Final Fantasy VI plays.]
Haltmann: Well, even though you almost killed me, you are still the highest bidder!
[A stack of papers appears on Haltmann's desk.]
Haltmann: Now, sign these papers, and the channel will be yours my friend!
[Cut to a title card reading "1 hour of signing later.", then back to Gabe and Haltmann.]
Haltmann: Congrats! The channel is now yours! For a day!
[Gabe's face is shown, accompanied by the Vine boom sound effect. He then falls onto the desk.]
Haltmann: You didnt [sic] think I'd actually sell it forever, would you? Read the papers you sign! Now scram, I gotta go prepare for the next scam- I mean, auction!
[Haltmann walks away and the video fades to black. It then cuts to Gabe using FL Studio on the Valve HQ computer.]
Gabe: Let's use this as an opportunity, and have fun.
[The video fades to black and the credits scroll (see #Credits) as "More Gun" from Team Fortress 2 plays and stretched-out pictures of Gabe appear in the background. At the end, a clip of Gabe saying "Thanks for listening" plays.]
