"Performance Review [FILE-21] - Haltmann's Archives" is a lore video and the twenty-first "file" in Haltmann's Archives.
Summary[]
The video opens with a dated display with President Haltmann's logo on it showing this message in yellow text:
FILE-21
[PERFORMANCE REVIEW]
This FILE explores the November 2022 Employee Performance Review for Haltmann Works, Co., presented by Temporary Administrative Secretary Jerry T.:
Character | Productivity | Behavior | Net Value | Overall Performance |
---|---|---|---|---|
Dr. Andonuts | 5/5 | 5/5 | 5/5 | 15/15 |
Dr. Issac Kleiner | 5/5 | 5/5 | 5/5 | 15/15 |
Director Kane | 4/5 | 5/5 | 4/5 | 13/15 |
Dr. Dell Conagher | 5/5 | 5/5 | 5/5 | 15/15 |
Dr. Alphys | 4/5 | 3/5 | 5/5 | 12/15 |
Peridot Facet-2F5L CUT-5XG | 5/5 | 2/5 | 4/5 | 11/15 |
Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System | 5/5 | 1/5 | 5/5 | 11/15 |
Junko Enoshima | 5/5 | 0/5 | 5/5 | 10/15 |
Dr. Marion Wheeler | [EXPUNGED] | [EXPUNGED] | [EXPUNGED] | [EXPUNGED] |
Professor Elvin Gadd | 2/5 | 4/5 | 3/5 | 9/15 |
Dr. Edgar George Zomboss | 2/5 | 3/5 | 2/5 | 7/15 |
Jackson Colero | 2/5 | 2/5 | 1/5 | 5/15 |
Sheldon J. Plankton | 3/5 | 1/5 | 0/5 | 4/15 |
Dr. Neo Periwinkle Cortex | 1/5 | 1/5 | 1/5 | 3/15 |
Colress | 4/5 | 3/5 | 4/5 | 11/15 |
William Afton | 0/5 | 0/5 | 0/5 | 0/15 |
Howard Matthew Moses Long | 5/5 | 5/5 | 5/5 | 15/15 |
Peter Löwenbräu Griffin Sr. | 5/5 | 5/5 | 5/5 | 15/15 |
Kainé/Tyrann | 5/5 | 3/5 | 5/5 | 13/15 |
The Grinch | 5/5 | 2/5 | 0/5 | 7/15 |
Yoshikage Kira | 4/5 | 0/5 | 5/5 | 9/15 |
Homer Jay Simpson | 5/5 | 5/5 | 5/5 | 15/15 |
Michael Wayne Rosen | 5/5 | 4/5 | 5/5 | 14/15 |
Professor Quigley | 3/5 | 1/5 | 2/5 | 6/15 |
Context[]
This FILE serves to establish a large list of employees who have worked for Haltmann Works R&D. It is told through the story of a worker for the Employee Performance Review, who gives a brief summary of each worker for Haltmann Works Co. prior to the events of "One Last Chance (Episode 11) - The SilvaGunner Christmas Comeback Crisis", and whether they have effected the company positively or negatively.
Several references are made in the video, such as:
- The mention of "Supahstar Warriahs" for Peridot Facet-2F5L Cut-5XG references a "war" in the comment section during the Reboot between users with King Dedede avatars and users with Peridot avatars, which was previously referenced by "King Dedede's Theme - Super Smash Bros. Brawl" and "The Deal - SilvaGunner: Rebooted".
- The data of Dr. Marion Wheeler being expunged references her original role in the Antimemetics Division of the SCP Foundation.
- The symbol for the SiIvaGunner All-Star Nuclear Winter Festival appears in the Christmas Spirit plant as a radiation warning label.
- The dates of employment of several employees are relevant dates, usually in relation to their characters:
- Director Kane, Howie Long, Peter Griffin, Yoshikage Kira, and Homer Simpson were employed on the day the Christmas Comeback Crisis began, with Dr. Andonuts, Jackson Colero, and William Afton following the day after, and Alphys and Michael Rosen following the day after that.
- Dr. Kleiner was employed June 1st, the day Half-Life 2: Episode One released in 2006.
- Dell Conagher was employed the day "More Gun - Team Fortress 2" was uploaded.
- Peridot was employed the day "We Are The Crystal Gems Fusion Collab" was uploaded.
- GLaDOS was employed the day "I Saw a Deer Today (Beta Mix) - Portal 2" was uploaded.
- Professor E. Gadd was employed the day "Main Theme - Luigi's Mansion" was uploaded.
- Dr. Zomboss was employed the day after "Brainiac Maniac (In-Game Version) - Plants vs. Zombies" was uploaded.
- Plankton was employed on March 14th, referencing the "day that Krabs fries" meme from The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie.
- Dr. Neo Cortex was employed the day "Diggin' It - Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back" was uploaded.
- Colress was employed the day "Colress's Theme - Pokémon Black & White 2" was uploaded.
- Kainé/Tyrann were employed on April 22nd, the day Nier originally released in 2010.
- The Grinch was employed the day The Grinch (2018) was released.
- Professor Quigley was employed on May 3rd, the day the Word Whammer released in 2004.
- The alphabet strip features the following characters, drawn in the Carson Delosa artstyle, which is commonly used in classrooms:
- Robbie Rotten holding a red F paper.
- Grand Dad
- President Haltmann (with the capital H changed to the one used for him.)
- Sens
- Mr Rental with his name shown as "Mr. Learn".
- PSY
- Wood Man with an apple
- Tito Dick and Felix the Cat
- SiIvaGunner (also shown in an unknown outfit, playing off how he is usually depicted naked.)
- Peter Griffin holding a flower.
- The Voice Inside Your Head (with the capital V changed to match him.)
- Haruka Amami
- Homer Simpson holding a paper A paper.
Transcript[]
FILE-21
[PERFORMANCE REVIEW]
As always, these performance reviews are only written in response to an employee's notable successes or shortcomings, and as such not all employees of note are listed.
- Administrator
- Quantum Physicist
- Roboticist
- Geneticist
- Quantum Physicist
- Biologist
Dr. Andonuts has been working closely with Dr. Issac Kleiner in hope of discovering the cause of our world's extended time dilation. The two have since made notable headway, and Dr. Andonuts has claimed to be very close to a breakthrough. Arrangements should be made to increase the volume of donuts included in their shipments, as they requested.
- Co-Administrator
- Roboticist
- Roboticist
- Biologist
Director Kane and Dr. Dell Conagher have continued to create new, cutting-edge technology for Haltmann Works Company, along with showing consistent loyalty. Dr. Dell Conagher has specifically been looking into potential trade agreements with the sovereign nation of Australia. In recognition of their top-quality work, I suggest they be rewarded with more work.
- Roboticist
- Biologist
Since the death of Professor JustinRPG, Dr. Alphys has comfortably taken the lead on Christmas Spirit Development and Research. In response, a reassessment of her previously restricted internet privileges may be in order.
- Roboticist
- Geologist
- Botanist
Despite delivering consistent high-quality work, researcher Peridot has directly caused multiple PR scandals, engaging in prolonged conflicts with social media users claiming to be "Supahstar Warriahs". Consider restricting her internet access.
- Roboticist
- Quantum Physicist
- Psychologist
Following the previous performance review, GLaDOS has been granted an extra 5 volts of energy in acknowledgement of her remarkable accomplishments. However, she has since made yet another request for deadly neurotoxin, and as such her voltage should be brought back down.
- Data Analyst
- Roboticist
Junko Enoshima's extensive data analysis has proven to be critical in the efforts to fully optimize the SiIva AI. However, multiple of her fellow employees have filed reports to HR with regard to her behavior, citing frequent instances of her broaching inappropriate and/or uncomfortable topics of conversation. Regardless, reprimanding her is not recommended unless absolutely necessary. For lack of a better term, she... gets off on it too much.
- [EXPUNGED]
Date of Employment: [EXPUNGED]
Dr. Marion Wheeler (not pictured) has made substantial headway into the granular mechanics of Figments and Figment death, despite contradictory reports stating she has never been an official employee of our company. Her enthusiasm is appreciated, but further investigation into her background is warranted regardless.
- Thanatologist
- Roboticist
- Thanatologist
- Roboticist
Professor Elvin Gadd and Dr. Edgar George Zomboss have made almost no progress with their supernatural research in support of our search for Haltmann's daughter. Their admittedly proven track record in said field has granted them some leeway up until now, but if there are no tangible results within the quarter, this egregious case of time theft should be dealt with swiftly.
- Roboticist
- Biologist
Jackson Colero has been caught on several occasions pleasuring himself in the company restrooms during his off-time. Consider reducing Colero's allotted visiting hours with his uncle, Richard Cabesa.
- Roboticist
- Biologist
Researcher Sheldon J. Plankton was caught creating unauthorized machinery using company resources for extracurricular purposes. When further pressed on the matter, Plankton refused to elaborate on his plans. Despite this, no disciplinary action is necessary. Karma will do the work for us.
- Geneticist
- Biologist
- Roboticist
- Biologist
- Geneticist
- Roboticist
Dr. Neo Cortex and researcher Colress engaged in an unsanctioned fight using genetically modified animals and Pokémon, causing major damage to company equipment. As Colress is not a repeat offender, a slap on the wrist is sufficient punishment for him. However, the same cannot be said of Dr. Cortex, and it is recommended that his animals be euthanized immediately.
- Roboticist
- Thanatologist
William Afton (not pictured) continues to ignore all requests for updates on his research. Upper management continues to not care.
- Major General
While we are still looking for suitable replacement for the late General Joe Vargas, General Howie Long has currently taken initiative in invading unconquered land. His unusual war cry has very effectively induced fear into anyone that may stand in his way. Should he keep up this pace, I suggest fulfilling his request for control over the Haltmann Record Shop.
- Sergeant First Class
Peter Griffin has successfully conquered and claimed the whole of Rhode Island as "Petoria", as previously promised to Petter in exchange for his loyalty to The Voice Inside Your Head. To demoralize potential resistors, he has elected to use his own specialized dirigible, the Hindenpeter, to block out all sunlight over the territory. In the wake of these outstanding achievements, upper management should consider awarding him the Petorian Medal of Honor.
- Private First Class
Replicant Kainé (alongside Tyrann, the Gestalt inhabiting her body) has made excellent strides in the capture of new territory as part of the war effort. Considering both of them were initially summoned by The Voice for the purpose of double-crossing our boss, they've been remarkably loyal even after the change in leadership. It seems as long as they've got things to kill, they won't question things too much. However, once we run out of land to conquer, this mindset may end up coming back to bite us. Consider giving them "the sack".
- Intelligence Officer
With our previous top agent Charles Barkley still currently AWOL, the Grinch has since risen to take the top spot in his field. His expertise in corporate espionage has proven to be an invaluable asset, but his spending is out of control. He has maxed out hundreds of corporate credit cards on what appear to be bulk shipments of guacamole. Notably, this guacamole is priced well above the market value. These incidents warrant further investigation.
- Intelligence Officer
Yoshikage Kira is still on standby in the northeast section of Grandiose, where all the villas are. As per negotiations made while The Voice Inside Your Head was in charge, he is given carte blanche to live a very quiet life until needed. He hasn't lost to anyone so far, so we'll keep him around. Just don't tell HR what he does with the hands.
- Power Plant Safety Inspector
Homer Simpson is doing an absolutely fantastic job. Somehow, there have been no incidents at the spirit containment plant! I would suggest rewards from higher-ups, but any time we try to commend him to upper management, they don't seem to have any clue who he is. Perhaps I'll simply reroute some of the donut shipments his way.
- Educator
- Performer
- Public Relations Officer
Michael Rosen has done a superb job writing stories that promote Haltmann's interests. He previously wrote more gruesome tales when working under The Voice Inside Your Head, which notably traumatized many children. Luckily, he seems to be compliant with recent corporate mandates to tone it down.
- Educator
Professor Quigley has been doing a fine enough job re-educating the youth. However, we received word from Superintendent Chalmers that his lessons contain subtle subliminal messaging, potentially inspiring rebellion. He was seen using an educational device to spell out words such as RUN, ACT and EGG. Consider finding more "suitable" candidates for a teaching position.
Overall, the workforce seems to be in a healthy state. Profit margins are up by 86%, research teams have made significant technological progress, and any potential future resistance has likely been quelled. Suffice to say that barring any unforeseen catastrophes, we have never been closer to achieving the goal of our glorious CEO.
- Jerry T., Temporary Administrative Secretary
Gallery[]
Trivia[]
- This is the first Haltmann's Archives file whose in-universe writer is confirmed to be someone other than Dr. Andonuts, that being Jerry T..
- This file only touches upon the Grinch within the context of the Central Canon Continuum. His counterpart in the AI Universe, according to "The Silva AI Timeline: A Summary of Events [FILE-INT-AIRTH]", had faked his death during the SiIvaGunner All-Star Winter Festival.
References[]
- ↑ "Blob's Epic Quality Rips (Siiva Mix)". YouTube playlist by Big Bad Blob.
- ↑ "Rips I made or Contributed to". YouTube playlist by keeby10.
- ↑ "epic ripstones". YouTube playlist by SparkBag.
- ↑ 4.0 4.1 4.2 4.3 4.4 Credited in this Tweet by @SG_ArtTeam.
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