[CONGRATULATIONS: YOU'RE HIRED!]
Dear Wade L.D.,
Thank you for applying for the position of Administrative Secretary at Haltmann Works Company. We are pleased to inform you that out of all our candidates, your application has been the most successful!
The orientation will be at 07:00, Tuesday. All employees are required to meet at the west entrance of the Voice's Tower in full business attire at no later than 06:45. Our air conditioning system is currently under repairs, so complementary Birdons will be provided at the door.
Your schedule, payment and superannuation will be handled at the orientation.
Worry not, for it is (mostly) negotiable to suit your needs.
We look forward to your hard work and undying loyalty.
Pay and ergonomic seating,
Haltmann Works Company,
on behalf of Max Profitt Haltmann
[TEXT: L.D. TO MRS L.D.]
L.D.: I got the job.
Mrs. L.D.: Oh honey, that's great news to hear!! When does it start?
L.D.: Tuesday. This is a pretty big position right here. I have no doubts that I'll be providing more than enough money to keep us afloat.
Mrs. L.D.: Heh, I bet you will. Listen, can you come home soon? I'm a bit worried about Jimmy. He's been coughing since last night.
L.D.: Right, I'm on my way. Love ya.
[JOB OVERVIEW: SO YOU DECIDED TO WORK AS A SECRETARY FOR OUR BELOVED HALTMANN]
Welcome to Haltmann Works Company. The position of Administrative Secretary is no easy task, as our noble and glorious Haltmann has many needs. And if those needs are not fulfilled in a sufficient way, there will be sufficient punishment to make up for it. Read carefully...
- Any equipment owned by Haltmann (tagged like so:) is not to be touched unless you are instructed otherwise.
- When Haltmann says he needs extra income, you had better be prepared to compensate.
- All daily tasks from regular surveyance to administration must be completed by 18:00.
- Make time for yourself whenever you can. Shopping's nice.
- Keep a gun by your side at all times-- you never know what could happen.
Haltmann's an old man, but he's been here longer than you think. But nobody can stay on this earth forever... that's why I made this guide for you, fateful reader.
Best of luck,
Susie
[LOCATION REPORT: SILVAGUNNER RESIDENCE]
Location: SilvaGunner Residence
Surveyor: Wade L.D.
Time of survey: 09:00-10:00
Condition:
Same as Report 06-C1627.
Hole in the roof from the initial Mechanizing Project--
otherwise in pristine condition.
No abnormal entities in most rooms.
The computer room seems to have a pile of leaves in it--
this pile has been cleaned up, with one leaf sent back to the Research Facility for testing.
Security:
15 Patrol-Bots are currently patrolling the house. Patrol-Bot 08 needs replacement. 2 Spherics on standby.
Other notes:
Further attempts at moving the computer as well as SilvaGunner himself have proved unsuccessful. Security must be maintained until we can move it.
[CALL: L.D. TO MRS. L.D.]
L.D.: How's it going, dear?
Mrs. L.D.: Where are you at this time of night?
L.D.: Just hangin' out with the boys, you know how it is.
Mrs. L.D.: I don't care how many necklaces you buy me, that doesn't give you an excuse to go out all night drinking.
L.D.: Sometimes you just gotta take a load off. Hey, have you heard of this band called Maroon 5? One of my friends recommended 'em to me, and I think they're pretty good...
Mrs. L.D.: No, I have not.. Look, just come home please. Did you get the medicine for Jimmy?
L.D.: Ah yeah... totally on that. See you soon, honey.
Mrs. L.D.: It's Ripodine.
L.D.: Right, right.
[COMPANY MEMO FROM HALTMANN TO EMPLOYEES]
To Our Dearest Employees,
We've recently received word that someone has been switching around all the cups in the break room. Failure to cease this action will incur severe physical repercussion.
Keep Working Hard With A Smile,
Haltmann
[RECEIPT: DR. P'S PHARMACY]
YOUR ORDER NUMBER IS:
777
1x Ripodine - $15
Thank you for shopping at Dr. P's
Where you can get your Daily Dose!
[LOCATION REPORT: MILITARY BARRACKS]
Location: Military Barracks
Surveyor: Wade L.D.
Time of survey: 09:30-10:30
Condition: Minor Christmas Spirit spills.
Security:
30 Patrol Bots patrol the area. 10 Active Spherics, with at least 50 inactive ones. 30 troops have been stationed.
Other notes:
Joe Vargas requires more troops for an upcoming assault on the North Pole.
Will forward this request to Haltmann.
Filing a Code 407 OH&S Violation for the spills.
[COMPANY MEMO FROM HALTMANN TO LD]
Listen, LD.
I think the Voice isn't holding up his end of the bargain.
I asked him to do something for me, and he isn't showing any signs of progress.
What's that thing? Classified.
Maybe one day I'll tell you.
Keep an eye on him and see if he does anything funny, okay?
May Your Income Gains Be Many,
Haltmann
PS: I heard a strange noise just outside my office...
and it suddenly smells like garlic and guacamole for some reason.
Can you go check it out?
[CALL: L.D. TO MRS. L.D.]
L.D.: Sorry babe, I'm gonna be late. Working overtime.
Mrs. L.D.: Again?! You promised me you'd be home early tonight!
L.D.: Sorry, company orders.
Mrs. L.D.: You promised Jimmy you would help him with his science fair project! You know how strict the Voice's schools are with marks!
L.D.: Why don't you help him then?
Mrs. L.D.: I don't know a LICK of science! Remember that one time I tried to make a paper mache volcano back in Dream Land?!
L.D.: Yeah, that's why you don't use a bomb to simulate an eruption.
Mrs. L.D.: Exactly!
L.D.: Listen, I... I'm sorry. I'll be home as soon as I can.
Mrs. L.D.: You'd better Jimmy is depending on you.
[COMPANY EMAIL TO WADE L.D.]
To LD,
You're a fine model employee, I'll tell you that.
Surprised you haven't broken under pressure yet.
I'm wondering if you could hoard some resources for me:
40kg of steel, 20kg of copper, 40kg of titanium.
You can find all these resources in the storage area in the Subterranean Labs.
Watch out for the scientist down there:
I heard that they keep him there cause he's a nutcase.
Oh, and don't report this to Haltmann.
Don't worry, this line's secure.
I'll make it well worth your while if you do this for me.
You like Maroon 5, right?
Dr. Andonuts
[COMPANY MEMO FROM HALTMANN TO EMPLOYEES]
To Our Dearest Employees,
One of our research teams is currently studying a garlic-flavored taco in Lab 4.
DO NOT EAT this taco.
Haltmann
[LOCATION REPORT: WAREHOUSE F36]
Location: Warehouse F36
Surveyor: Wade L.D., Charles Barkley
Time of survey: 09:00-10:00
Condition:
Warehouse has been taken over by local rebels.
Security:
At least 3 hostiles are known to reside here: Snoop Dogg, Soulja Boy, Chip the Ripper.
Santa Claus, Nozomi and Meta Knight also treat this warehouse as their headquarters, but they are currently not here.
Other notes:
Barkley confirms he will take action against the rebels.
Reporting to Haltmann for further instruction.
[RECEIPT: DR. P'S PHARMACY]
YOUR ORDER NUMBER IS:
772
2x Ripodine - $15
1x Xanax - $15
Thank you for shopping at Dr. P's
Where you can get your Daily Dose!
[COMPANY MEMO: HALTMANN TO EMPLOYEES]
To Our Dearest Employees,
THE GARLIC-FLAVORED TACO HAS GONE MISSING.
A $1667820000 reward will be issued to the employee who can locate it. (before tax)
Haltmann
[CALL: L.D. TO UNKNOWN CITIZEN]
Citizen: So you gave that Kara's Flowers record a listen?
L.D.: Yeah, I liked it a lot. Thanks for the rec, Chase.
Chase: No problem. Hey, you gonna hit the town with us tonight?
L.D.: No can do. Gotta pick up some parts for Haltmann. He's building a "mecha dick" or something.
Chase: Sounds like some real-ass compensation if you ask me!
L.D.: Yeah, well, I'm not the one who designed it.
Chase: Why do you even work for that tyrant anyway? You know he's keeping people like us down. That's why I protest every day. Fight the power!
L.D.: I gotta do it for the paycheck.
Chase: Yeah yeah, it's all about the money with you isn't it. Saving the cash for us, eh? But no matter how much you've got, nothing can beat just hanging out with your friends. You know what I'm sayin? What about US?
L.D.: I have a family too...
Chase: Yeah, whatever. You need to take a break. Just forget about work for a while. Spend some time with us, hit the bottle, don't worry about the almighty dollar. What do you say we head on down to the bar near the harbor? We're gonna do some wiiild shit.
L.D.: ...alright, I'll be there as soon as I can then.
Chase: Looking forward to it!
[NEWS REPORT: MISSING TACO! AUTHORITIES ON A WILD GOOSE CHASE?!]
Waves of shock were sent throughout Haltmann Works Company today as a mysterious garlic-flavored taco was stolen from the Voice's Tower today by what appears to be a woman in a black dress!
Reports from inside the company say that a portal was opened upon its theft, and the woman escaped through it.
Throwing common sense to the curb, our brave police forces have gone into the portal after her in hot pursuit!
HWC is offering a $1667820000 reward (before taxes) for her capture.
[LOCATION REPORT: NORTH POLE]
Location: North Pole
Surveyor: Wade L.D.
Time of survey: 10:00-12:00
Condition:
Area has been totally decimated.
Only the smoldering remains of building structures and combat apparatus remain.
High levels of fallout and radiation.
Security:
None
Other notes:
Nothing of worth to salvage.
Nathaniel Welchert's corpse, unusually, is nowhere to be found.
[CALL: ??? TO LD]
???: You must be Wade LD.
L.D.: Who are you? How did you get this number? This is a company number, you know that.
???: That's not important right now. You need to know something. Haven't you noticed that it's never daytime?
L.D.: ...come to think of it...
???: This place. This place is stuck in limbo.
L.D.: Yeah, and I'm stuck in a personal hell of a job, what else is new?
???: You want out of it, don't you?
L.D.: ...maybe.
???: ...I'm running out of battery. I will be in contact with you later. Just hang in there.
L.D.: Wait a minute, who ar-
[TEXT: MRS LD TO LD]
Where were you last night?!
Jimmy has been bedridden all day.
I think he's come down with something severe.
If you wanna talk, meet me at the hospital.
- Mrs LD
[RECEIPT: DR. P'S PHARMACY]
YOUR ORDER NUMBER IS:
775
2x Ripodine - $15
10x Xanax - $150
6x bags of Ryukyu Legendary Drinkers - $130
Thank you for shopping at Dr. P's
Where you can get your Daily Dose!
[COMPANY MEMO FROM HALTMANN TO LD]
LD. The Voice played me.
He played me for a goddamn fool.
You are the only person I can trust in these trying times.
So I need you to help me... to help me get revenge.
I'm gonna need some steel from the Lab Storage.
Get some and meet me on the manufacturing floor in 2 hours.
This one's gonna take some extra special engineering...
- Haltmann
[COMPANY MEMO FROM HALTMANN TO EMPLOYEES]
To Our Employees,
Our contract with The Voice has expired.
All Voice attire and propaganda must be disposed of at your nearest company-branded furnace.
Any remaining Voice supporters will be terminated.
Don't forget that we still need to find that taco.
Glory to Haltmann.
[CALL: L.D. TO CITIZENS]
L.D: I got the coke.
Chase: Hell yeah bro, party on!
Jeff: Woohoo!
L.D: ...I think I'm forgetting something.
Chase: Relax! You're in your work clothes, right? You can just party with us and head straight to work tomorrow.
Jeff: Don't be a buzzkill, bro.
L.D: Hey, I'm pretty sure we... uh... don't use slurs like that.
Chase: Just shut the fuck up for a second. Wait, you don't even have a mouth, how does that work?
L.D: Uhhh...
Chase: Dude whatever, don't answer that. Let's head over to the harbor babyyyyy!!!
[EMAIL: SUPERVISOR 271U TO HR]
To HR
Employee 71679S (Wade L.D., secretary to Haltmann)
seems to be underperforming and being disruptive to other employees.
There was an incident today where 71679S walked into a server farm with a spear and caused a 12 hour intranet outage.
Consider giving him "the sack".
- 271U
[LOCATION REPORT: RENTAL STORAGE FACILITY]
Location: Rental Storage Facility
Surveyor: Wade L.D.
Time of survey: 09:00-11:00
Condition:
Area is in ruins and overgrown.
One building seems to have been burnt down.
Security:
None
Other notes:
Found two plates with beans in one of the storage garages?
[RECEIPT: HALTMONEY]
Transaction #1152
Your payment of $2190000 to Haltmann Works Co. was successful.
Our financial team is reviewing your Bribe and will be in contact with you shortly.
Haltmoney: Pay, Purchase and Profit Safely
[COMPANY MEMO FROM HALTMANN TO LD]
Thanks for the profit injection.
I am sure we can forget your stint of poor performance...
after all, you are my most trusted secretary.
Oh, and by the way, we'll need to cut your wage by 20% to make up for it.
Just for a little while.
Now, get to work on that research for me!
Haltmann
[REQUEST FOR RESEARCH TEAM 00008]
Employee 71679S,
Your request for a research team to "analyse a sample of SiIvaGunner" has been granted".
Regards,
- HR
[RECEIPT: DR. P'S PHARMACY]
YOUR ORDER NUMBER IS:
735
20x Xanax - $150
6x bags of Ryukyu Legendary Drinkers - $130
Thank you for shopping at Dr. P's
Where you can get your Daily Dose!
[CALL: LD TO ???]
L.D.: ...so yeah. That's basically how it works down at Haltmann Works.
???: By the gods, it must be hell to work over there. I knew it was bad, but not that bad...
L.D.: Feels good to air my grievances for once. I got a wife and a kid, and some clingy workmates too--you can imagine how hard it is trying to balance all of that.
???: It certainly must be... b-but, that's not what I wanted to ask you. I needed to know if Haltmann was working on any type of transportational technology.
L.D.: Oh, right, sorry. It's not exactly what you're looking for, but he's asking me to do some strange things involving a sample of SiIvaGunner. And now I need to give the sample to "third-parties"...
[TEXT: SNOOP TO LD]
Thx for the weed-- good shit.
bring 2x tomorrow feel free to come in for a smokeout holla atchaboy
- snoop
[VOICEMAIL: CITIZENS TO LD]
Chase: Hey, it's Chase. Listen, you'd better have the bricks by tomorrow or we're smokin your ass. Got it?
[THIRD-PARTY RESULT REPORT]
To LD,
Here are the current test results.
Each party has created their own artificial intelligence based on the sample of SiIvaGunner we have given them.
We have codenamed these programs AIRTH: Artificially Intelligent Rip Theatricalizers.
All of them share the same basic framework and format that SiIvaGunner possesses, even putting out their content through "rips", but vary wildly in their theming.
They are beyond our control now.
Further data will be sent in a follow-up report.
Team 00008
[CALL: MRS. L.D. TO L.D.]
Mrs. L.D.: LD! You haven't been home in ages!
L.D.: I-I...
Mrs. L.D.: Not that it fucking matters since I've been in the hospital next to Jimmy for the past few weeks! Do you even give a damn about us?!
L.D.: Listen, I've been trying to make ends meet.
Mrs. L.D.: By what, partying with your fucking workmates all night? And don't even try to lie to me, you've been blowing your cash on coke and Xanax haven't you? I've seen the receipts.
L.D.: Oh come on, I need it to calm down. It's hard working for Haltmann, I put myself in a bit of a hole--
Mrs. L.D.: What about US, Wade? What about US?! What about Jimmy?! Jimmy's fucking dying here! I'M dying trying to help him!
L.D.: You have no idea, Wanda! No idea! We've all got our fucking problems. I'm stuck in secretary hell losing my mind, you're stuck with our terminal son!
Mrs. L.D.: Then why don't we share our problems, Wade? Aren't we supposed to be... Y'know... married? Just...
[PATROL-BOT AUDIO LOG: THE QUALITY BAR, PRECINCT B]
???: Thanks for coming to meet me here.
L.D.: Yeah, no problem.
???: You feeling alright?
L.D.: *sigh*... shit's been real stressful, chief. I feel like I'm about to break. Still being worked to the core, still can't find the time to just... relax.
???: You go out with your workmates, don't you?
L.D.: I dunno man, it feels more like a second job. They keep shaking me down, and I don't feel like I can get out of that, y'know?
???: Don't you have a family to go home to?
L.D.: ...no, no I don't... Mmm, that goes down smooth. You aren't ordering.
???: I don't drink.
L.D.: Your funeral. Well, what about you. What the hell are you doing here?
???: Without giving away too much, I've become interested in this city. So I thought I'd take a look around, and whatnot. Turns out I've learned more than I bargained for. I never stay in one place. One day I'm in some ruined metropolis fighting for mankind, the next I'm serving as a cashier in a poorly drawn supermarket, then I'm talking to some homeless guy on the street.
L.D.: What are you, a nomad?
???: You could say that. I think "fugitive" is a more accurate term. Probably not a good idea to go into detail, at least not here.
L.D.: Fair enough.
???: At least you get to meet a lot of good friends when you're travelling so much. Ever met Wario and Waluigi? They're pretty great guys. Waluigi has his own successful Tacostand business, too.
L.D.: Can't say that I have, sorry... wait, tacos?
???: You oughta go try a taco some time.
L.D.: What are these tacos made of?
???: They're like... garlic? There's a lot of garlic in them. I have one right here.
L.D.: ...No fucking way.
???: Wait... don't tell me you know about these too.
L.D.: Haltmann's looking for this bloody thing. You do realize how big the price on your head is because of this, right? You gotta get out of here...
???: No, Wade, listen. This situation is way bigger than you think. It's time I told you the truth. Meet me at Warehouse F36.
[PATROL-BOT AUDIO LOG: WAREHOUSE F36, PRECINCT C]
???: ...and that's basically the whole situation.
L.D.: So you're telling me, this whole region is stuck in 2016 so that Haltmann can make bank off of it indefinitely.
???: That's exactly right.
L.D.: Wait, who told you this?
???: Some weird fat-looking robot.
L.D.: ...huh.
???: When the Voice and Haltmann turned this world into their own metropolis, I had to try to escape. But they found out. I've been running from them ever since, going into dimension after dimension. But they're always hot on my trail. They want their hands on the dimensional-hopping technology I have, and will stop at nothing to get it.
L.D.: So what, you stole the taco from us?
???: This taco is my only ticket out of this time-locked purgatory and I had to get it by any means necessary. But that alone is insufficient. I need to throw them off my scent. You're my best chance at doing that. That's why I contacted you. You're the closest to Haltmann. You can create a diversion, twist the wires from the inside, help shake them off. I'll be damned if I have to live in a world like this one... Ruled by machines. And I know how hard you've got it right now in this world. You want a way out, right? I can give you that. We can escape... together.
L.D.: T-together...?
[Sirens begin wailing]
Policeman 1: 2B! We have you surrounded! Place the Garlic-Flavored Taco down on the ground and put your hands up!
Chase: Ay ay ay ay! LD is that you?! Where's the coke, motherfucker!?
Jeff: Give us the bricks, bitch!
2B: ...Shit!
L.D.: We gotta get the hell out of here!
2B: Take a bite of the taco!
L.D.: W-what?!
2B: Just do it! Trust me on this.
Policeman 2: They're getting away! Quick, follow that portal!!
[LIVE NEWS REPORT]
Jane: Breaking news! Notorious figment 2B has been spotted on the run from authorities. She is reported to have stolen some kind of transdimensional portal device. She seems to also have taken hostage of a Waddle Dee worker from Haltmann Works Co! You're seeing our live pursuit, while we follow her into the Red Dead Dimension as she flees on horseback. 2B and the Waddle Dee also appear to be pursued by some unruly gang members who have escaped into the portal. Our audio feed leads us to believe that they're after the Waddle Dee for some kind of drug deal! Adam, this is quite a story don't you think?
Adam: Yes it is Jane, I think we may be able to both catch 2B as well as bust one of the biggest drug operations this side of Grandiose City! That's killing two birds with one Flintstone.
Jane: Adam, I swear to god...
[TEXT: MRS LD TO LD]
I saw you at the bar with that girl.
I saw you on the news.
Wade, Jimmy is dying.
And now...
You're dead to me too.
- Wanda
[PATROL-BOT AUDIO LOG: SAINT DENIS, THE READ DEAD DIMENSION]
2B: Who's that?
L.D.: I-I...
Policeman 1: This is the Grandiose Police! There's nowhere left for you to go! We've got tanks, artillery, and even these crappy outdated revolvers we just found! Give up that taco!
Chase: No way bitch, LD is MINE! He owes me the fucking cocaine!
Policeman 1: Hold on, you're part of the drug ring back in Grandiose?!
Policeman 2: Let's get him!!
Chase: Over my dead body!
2B: They're fighting amongst themselves! Now's our chance!
L.D.: Quick, the tac-
2B: Damnit... there's only one bite left.
L.D.: So that's the last portal we can take... 2B. You have to go in the portal by yourself. If we go together, they'll keep chasing and we'll have no method of escape left.
2B: Wade, no!
L.D.: I'll hold them back. You can return home by yourself.
2B: ...but Wade-
L.D.: Just go already! My life choices have led me here. I've thrown it all away and now I've got nothing left. Nothing... but you.
2B: ...
L.D.: DO IT NOW, DAMNIT!
Policeman 2: Hey, what are we fighting for? We came here cause of 2B and that stupid Waddle Dee over there! Get em!!
2B: Goodbye, Wade... I... I...
L.D.: Come at me, feds! RAAAAAGGGHH!
Policeman 1: THE PORTAL'S CLOSING! GET TO IT!
L.D.: Not if I can help it!
Policeman 1: Holy shit, did he just pull out like 30 spears?!! G-
L.D.: This is for working me like a dog!
Policeman 1: ARUGHHH!
L.D.: This is for drugging me up and having the nerve to shake me down!
Chase: AGH!! LD you bitch!
L.D.: Maroon 5 actually sucks, by the way!
Chase: D-damnit..!
L.D.: This one's for my kid and my wife!
Policeman 2: Holy shit, man down! We got a man down!
L.D.: And this one... ... This one's for violating my privacy.
[LIVE NEWS REPORT]
Jane: Special Report! The frantic interdimensional police chase involving 2B and an unidentified Waddle Dee seems to have ended in the Red Dead Dimension. The last footage we managed to capture sees the Waddle Dee fighting off the police single-handedly!
Adam: What a feat, Jane. I've always dismissed those little orange blobs as nothing but fodder. And they still are, since that Waddle Dee did die trying to defend himself.
Jane: That's racist, Adam.
Adam: Is it? Or is it a show of our mighty police force holding down the law?
Jane: That so-called mighty police force is now trapped in the Red Dead Dimension, as 2B managed to escape, presumably with the portal tech in tow. We may never see her or our brave forces ever again.
Adam: What a shame. In other news, reports show that work conditions over at Haltmann Works Co have improved by at least 2%! More news after the break.
[EMAIL FROM DR. P'S PHARMACY TO LD]
Dear Wade L.D.,
Thank you for being a frequent shopper with us.
Because of your patronage, we would like to offer you one free Daily Dose from Dr. P Himself!
Print this email out and redeem it at your local pharmacy to receive the dosage.
Regards,
- Dr. Pavel.
Dr. P. Pharmaceuticals, Inc.
[VOICEMAIL FROM 2B TO LD]
2B: Listen, Wade... in the off chance that you're alive, I just wanted to say... thank you. It's hard to meet a true companion who can stick by you when you're always on the run. But you... You were all that, and more. Thank you so much for hearing me out. I hope we can meet again.
[VOICEMAIL FROM JIMMY TO LD]
Jimmy: Dad, I know you couldn't help me when I needed it. But I know you were working hard for us. It's just unfortunate that things turned out this way. Honestly though... seeing you ride on horseback with a hot chick while being chased by the cops was undeniably cool. Can't wait to meet you in the afterlife, dad. We can catch up on some father-son time there!
[NOW HIRING: ADMINISTRATIVE SECRETARY]
Haltmann Works Co. is looking for an Administrative Secretary.
In this easy, entry-level position, you'll be tasked with:
- Assisting our glorious Haltmann
- Commanding the commanders of the military
- Bookkeeping
- Cleaning up after our employees
- Pushing trolleys back into their designated areas in the carpark
- Combing Haltmann's mustache
You must have at least 3 years of experience in a similar role before applying.
Thank you for your interest in working with Haltmann Works Company!
