Meanwhile, in the tower...
The Voice: I haven't seen you in a while.
???: I'm afraid I have some bad news to report, Sir.
There was an asault on the barracks, leading to their total destruction. Worse still, we lost Angry Joe in the attack.
The Voice: That is... incredibly unfortunate. Can we revive him?
???: It's very likely that he was killed by Christmas Spirit. ...He's gone for good.
The Voice: Who was responsible for this?
???: It was Nozomi... with the help of the Rapper's Union, Santa Claus, and the figment Meta Knight.
With their combined efforts, it seems they managed to defeat Angry Joe with his mech at full power.
The Voice: Curses... We'll have to divert more troops from our base to the city, and the research will have to speed up massively...
As for the Union... they have become a serious threat. It seems espionage and sabotage will no longer suffice.
We need them eliminated. I assume I can entrust you with this task...
Barkley: Of course, Sir.
The Voice: Hmm... just in case you run into trouble, take this.
It's an on-call button for a mercenary. But he'll only help you once - he's a bit of a fickle guy.
Barkley: Thank you, my liege. I won't let you down!
Barkley left the office with the small red button in hand.
The Voice: Now, onto other matters... Haltmann.
The Voice leaned over to press a buzzer.
[The events of (AUDIOLOG: 19:27, HEAD_OFFICE) are shown here.]
The Voice: Haltmann, please report to my office at once.
...There was no answer.
The Voice: Haltmann?
...He has been spending an awful lot of time in that workshop of his.
The door to the office opened.
The Voice: Haltmann, there you a-
???: You can shut up now. I'm always on duty!
Standing in the doorway was a tall, humanoid robot with glowing purple eyes, a trenchcoat and hat.
The Voice: What on earth is going-
A pair of rollerskates sprang from the robot's feet. It extended its arms all the way to the Voice's desk, and began knocking over and tossing around everything on it!
The Voice: Hey!!
The robot started to skate around the office at a high speed, destroying everything in its path! The Voice gave chase.
???: Brown bricks!
The robot was just too fast for the Voice.
He ran, and he ran, but the robot kept flailing its limbs, throwing brown bricks all over the place, laying waste to the office.
The Voice: What is the meaning of this?!
???: I'm having a LOT of fun.
Suddenly, the robot turned its head towards the Voice. Out of its hat came a large helicopter propeller, which started to spin rapidly. The gust of wind blew the Voice out through the door of his own office!
The Voice: Aarggh!
???: I'm better than you are.
The Voice: What is going on? Let me back in this instant!
The door slammed shut. Looking through the window, the Voice watched as his once-tidy office was being turned inside out.
The Voice: What a day...
Back at the Rapper's Union hideout...
Meta Knight and Santa worked on repairing the Smolitzer while Nozomi slept.
Santa: It shouldn't be long until we can get this up and running again. Maybe another day or so.
Meta Knight: Where did you learn to repair robots, anyway?
Santa: Ho, ho, ho! I'm a toymaker! The skills are universal.
Meta Knight: ...I see.
Meta Knight looked over to where Nozomi was sleeping.
Meta Knight: I just hope she'll be oka-
Meta Knight was interrupted by a loud crash as a large mechanical fist knocked in the garage door like a battering ram!
It was Robbie Rotten... in a robot shaped like Wood Man's head!
Robbie: Who did you expect? Sportaflop?!
See?! If you can get a stupid walking robot, I can get one too!
Wood Man: hey jeez i'm not that stupid robbie
Robbie: Let's just capture them already! When I say go, be ready to launch!
The Wood Man mecha launched a leafy net out of its right arm, which landed on Nozomi and tightened itself around her. She woke up, startled, and began to struggle fruitlessly.
Wood Man: nice. there's no way she can gget out of that
Meta Knight tried to cut through the net, but the ropes were too strong.
Meta Knight: N-no way...!
Wood Man: yeah keep trying idiot but that rope's been reinforced
Robbie: Great job, Wood Man!
Meta Knight: This can't be Christmas Spirit... can it?
Wood Man: wtf is christmas spirit lmoa. this is just some good-ass rope
Robbie: Capture that walking blueberry, too!
The Wood Man mecha fired more nets at Meta Knight, who frantically dodged each one.
After a ceaseless barrage, he was backed straight into a corner.
Robbie: Hahaha...I got you!
The mecha shot one last net, which landed directly on Meta Knight and enveloped him. He struggled with all his might, but the net bound him tightly.
Santa: What do you want with us?! We will never submit to the Voice!
Robbie: The Voice?! HAH! If the Voice is so cool, then how come he couldn't keep me, Villain Number One, in his joke of a prison?
Wood Man: yeah lmao fuck the voice. robbie and i just wanna destroy shit and capture heroes
Wood Man fired another net out of his right arm. Santa dove out of the way, grabbing his coal cannon.
As Wood Man fired another net, Santa whipped around and fired back, burning it to ashes.
Wood Man: shit i forgot i was weak to fire
Robbie: How could you FORGET something like that?!
Wood Man: iuno
Robbie: Gah! Switch weapons then!
Wood Man: okay here goes... weapon switch activate
Wood Man's right arm turned from a gun into a fist.
Robbie: ...What kind of weapon is THAT?!
Wood Man: it's called my fist. it packs one h*ck of a punch
Robbie: What are you doing?!?! Just get him!
The Wood Man mecha ran up to Santa and delivered a forceful punch!
Wood Man: nice, it didn't fall off this time
The blow threw Santa off his feet. Bouncing back, he aimed his cannon and fired a deadly ball of burning coal!
Wood Man and Robbie swiftly jumped out of the way.
Wood Man: op, ya missed
Santa: ...Did I?
The ball of burning coal ricocheted off the walls, leaving a trail of fire wherever it rolled. In a few seconds, the entire hangar was engulfed in sweltering flames.
Wood Man: man it's a hot one
Robbie: No! Just run through the fire and the flames, you fool!
Wood Man: i'll burn down you fucking idiot. i give up. im fucking done with this
Santa: So... you surrender?
Robbie: Gragggh! Fine. Whatever! You win.
Wood Man: i'm sick of this wolfgang amadeus ex human revolution machina demonbane shit turning the tables in your goddamn favor santa. i swear we won't try anything just put out the fire
Santa kept the coal cannon pointed directly at Wood Man, and motioned toward Nozomi and Meta Knight with his head.
Santa: Release my friends immediately.
Robbie pressed a button, and the nets immediately sprang open. Meta Knight broke free from his net in a furious whirl, and Nozomi angrily kicked hers aside.
Satisfied, Santa went over to the wall and pulled the fire alarm. The sprinklers activated, dousing the entire hangar with gallons of water, instantly extinguishing the flames.
Wood Man: nice
Robbie: Pah! There are probably better superheroes than you FLOPS anyway.
Nozomi waved goodbye to Wood Man and Robbie as they slinked out of the hangar.
Wood Man: so who's this sportaflop guy you keep telling me about
Robbie: Can we please not talk about him? I've had enough thinking about just one hero today, thank you.
Wood Man: sorry dude. lets go someplace nice so we can rest.
Moments prior, in the base next door...
A mysterious woman wearing a black gown stood outside. She knocked on the door.
Snoop Dogg: Ay babe, what's happenin'?
???: I'm looking for Wario and Waluigi...
Snoop Dogg: 'Scuse me?
???: One of them is short and... rather portly. The other is lanky and often smells like tacos. Both of them wear overalls.
Snoop Dogg: Sorry babe, I got nothin'.
???: Understood. Thank you for your time.
Suddenly, a purple portal with a dot in the middle opened behind the woman. Snoop looked in surprise as she hopped inside it, sealing itself just as quickly.
Snoop Dogg: ...huh.
Snoop returned to meet the others who were having a meeting. A few of them looked at him expectantly.
Snoop Dogg: Wasn't anyone important.
Aight, anyways, barracks are down for the count. We might have lost Barkley, but the security's a little loosey goosey now, namean?
Chip: I'll miss that guy...
Soulja: We should be able to run up on the Voice now, right?
Parappa: Yeah, let's run up on the Voice now, alright?
Snoop Dogg: Shiiit, as much as I trust my OGs and my gat, I'm pretty sure we'd get clapped if we didn't take that lil' Nozomi's robot with us.
Someone knocked on the door. A familiar voice rang out on the other side.
Chip: Aw shit! Charlie!
Soulja: I knew he'd make it.
Chip opened the door... And was immediately stabbed in the chest.
Snoop Dogg: Chip!
Chip slumped to the ground, a pool of blood slowly oozing out of him. Chip was fucking dead.
Barkley: Hahaha. He was never a good rapper anyway.
Soulja: The fuck?! You can speak English?
Barkley: That's right, you fruity-looping fool. I was merely pretending to be dumb, intentionally being the Achilles' heel of your pitiful Union, relaying information to the Voice...
Snoop Dogg: You mothafuckin' Judas.
Parappa: You-you-you-you, Judas!
Barkley: You were all too blind to see that this world truly belongs to the Voice. Know my true power...
Keeping his eyes fixed on Snoop, Barkley reached behind him, pulling out two basketballs. He started dribbling them, one in each hand, at completely different tempos.
Snoop snatched his gun from his coat pocket and stood back, waiting for his moment to fire. Barkley, his deadlock gaze still unbroken, started dribbling faster and faster until...
Snoop stepped to the side. His eyes were met by a blurred mess whipping past him, bouncing aimlessly into the rest of the hangout.
Snoop Dogg: You missed my ass, dawg.
The ball continued zooming around wildly. Bouncing off the wall, then the floor, and then the wall again, it made its way back to Barkley...
But not before tearing straight through Parappa's chest.
A final bounce sent it straight back into with Barkley's free hand. Without missing a beat, Barkley resumed dribbling both balls, entirely out of sync with each other.
Soulja Boy suddenly lost his train of thought.
Soulja: Wait, what just happened?
Barkley: You're next, Soulja Boy...
Snoop had an idea. If he couldn't shoot Barkley, then..
Snoop Dogg: Yo, eat this shit.
Snoop fired twice and shot both of Barkley's basketballs. They deflated.
Barkley: NOOO! Now I'm powerless!
In desparation, Barkley reached in his pocket, and pulled out a small red button.
Barkley: This isn't over yet.
He slammed on the button. A distinctive smell of wine and cheese emanated through the air, foreshadowing the appearance of a large interdimensional portal in front of Barkley.
Like a small black hole, the portal began to pull in everything in the vicinity, growing with each new thing taken in. Barkley was jerked forward, but managed to catch his balance.
In a panic, Barkley turned and tried to run. The portal had grown to the size of a Bowflex™ PR-1000, and with it, the gravity had gotten even stronger. Barkley's feet lifted off the ground.
Barkley: H-hey! Heeeeeeeeeelp! Master, heeeeeeelp!
Barkley was swallowed whole.
A cloaked figure with a giant wooden object upon its back calmly and steadily stepped out as the portal was closing.
???: Who dares interrupt mon lunchtime?
Snoop Dogg: And who the fuck are you?
???: Je suis un warrior from anozair dimension... master of ze finest instrument.
I am constantly seeking ze strongest warrior to fight... perhaps, zat person is vous?
Snoop Dogg: Fuckan A. Well, I ain't the strongest, but I can aim pretty fuckin' well.
???: HONH?! Zen how DARE you disturb moi. Prepare to die by mon hand, because je suis...
The cloaked figure brandished his wooden weapon.
Kazoo Master: Ze Kazoo Master!
The Kazoo Master forced his kazoo into the floor, leaving a giant crack.
Snoop aimed his gun and fired, but the Kazoo Master remained calm and hummed into his small kazoo, stopping the bullets in their tracks.
Soulja: Jesus Christ, that sounds awful!
Kazoo Master: YOU INSULT MON KAZOO?
The Kazoo Master played, sending bolts of lightning shooting through the room! They struck Snoop and Soulja multiple times each, making a flurry of loud cracks!
Snoop Dogg: Gah!
Soulja was suddenly caught off guard! The Kazoo Master moved towards him and started whacking him with his giant kazoo. Helpless to fight back, he was struck again and again, until...
Soulja Boy blocked one of the strikes with his sword!
Kazoo Master: Intéressant...
Soulja Boy snorted angrily.
Soulja: I ain't lettin' my anime swag die.
The Kazoo Master and Soulja Boy squared off. Sparks flew everywhere as sword and kazoo clashed at an impossible speed.
Kazoo Master: You are skilled with your blade... but zere is something holding you back!
This only made Soulja even angrier. He started to attack with a blazing fervor.
Kazoo Master: Zat's it, isn't? You're letting your passion cloud your... how you say? ...acuité in battle...
The Kazoo Master parried one of Soulja's strikes and blew on his small kazoo once more, sending Soulja crashing into the wall.
Kazoo Master: I thought you could have been ze one...
Soulja bounced back and took a swing at the Kazoo Master...
...but this time, he aimed for the cloak!
Kazoo Master: ...Quelle!
The Kazoo Master was caught off guard as the cloak dropped off of him. Taking advantage of the opening, Soulja closed in and held his sword against the Kazoo Master's neck.
The Kazoo Master was pinned!
Soulja: Once again, I have cut a worthless object.
Kazoo Master: Impressionnant. You have proven yourself...
The strange portal reopened behind the Kazoo Master.
Kazoo Master: One day, we will fight again. I expect you to have honed your skills by then... But for now, I must bid you adieu. Au revoir...
The Kazoo Master calmly stepped inside the portal, slowly closing behind him.
Soulja Boy and Snoop could do nothing but stare at the wrecked room that remained.
Snoop Dogg: ...What the fuck was that?
I love anime...