Meanwhile, at the abandoned storage facility...
DING DONG!
Robbie: Well, Wood Man, I made it... despite your directions.
Wood Man: ah robbie, welcome.
i hope you're prepared for some good ass dinner.
Robbie: Myehhh.
Wood Man and Robbie made their way to a nearby storage garage.
Robbie Rotten sat down.
Wood Man opened the paper bag and noticed that his dinner was on fire.
Wood Man: not nice. my dinner is on fire
Wood Man thought for a moment.
Wood Man: but what if... i made my way to silvagunners house and conjured up some new dinner with his computer.
lmao, sufficiently sneaky, wood man
Wood Man opened a magical hole to SiIvaGunner's house.
Just as he was about to enter, Robbie Rotten noticed!
Robbie: Eh?
[Wood Man (Steam Version) - Mega Man 2 plays]
Robbie: WOOOOOOOODMAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!
Wood Man: ah, robbie, i was just...
flexing my arms in the corner. figmatic exercise. care to join me?
Robbie cringed at the thought of doing exercise.
He noticed the paper bag...
Robbie: Why is there smoke coming out of that paper bag, Wood Man?
Wood Man: oh that isn't smoke, it's steam.
steam from the steamed greens we're having.
mmm steamed greens.
Robbie eyed Wood Man suspiciously for a moment then went back to the table.
Wood Man sighed in relief as he conjured up an exit hole.
Moments later, Wood Man was back with a hot plate of beans.
Wood Man: robbie, i hope you're ready for some good-ass stringbeans.
Robbie: I thought we were having steamed greens.
Wood Man: oh no, i meant steamed beans
thats what i call stringbeans.
Robbie: You call stringbeans "steamed beans".
Wood Man: yeah. its a... game specific dialect
Robbie: Uh-huh. What kind?
Wood Man: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, educational
Robbie: Really. Well, I've been in a PC educational game and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed beans".
Wood Man: oh, no, you only hear it in nes games.
Robbie: I see.
Wood Man and Robbie started to eat their beans. Robbie immediately spat his out.
Robbie: BLECH!
These taste awful! What is this, sportscandy?
Wood Man: what the fuck is sportscandy lmao
Robbie: They're like these things... they grow off of trees, and you eat them, and they make you all flippity floppity!
Wood Man: dude i wanna be able to do backflips that sounds cool as shit
Robbie: W-what?! NO! That nasty SPORTAFLOP does flips all the time and it makes me so MAD!
Wood Man: how come
Robbie: Because then he's able to avoid all of my TRAPS!
Wood Man: wouldn't it be cool if we ate these beans then?
they'd give us super cool backflip powers then we could school all the heroes
Robbie: Well, look at me! I tried to eat one and you don't see me flipping!
Wood Man: you certainly are flipping the fuck out over beans
Robbie: Pff-th-nggg-PAH!
You are UNBELIEVABLE, Wood Man!
Look, the point is that the beans don't taste good and I REFUSE to eat them!
Wood Man: way to insult my cooking robbie. i thought we were friends
Robbie: Gah!! What a terrible dinner this has bean!
And on Christmas of all days...
Wood Man: uh... robbie?
Robbie: What?!
Wood Man: well... uh... oh man how do i put this...
...it's not really christmas.
Robbie: What are you talking about, metalhead?
Look outside!
There's Christmas livery everywhere! We JUST saw Santa Claus!
Wood Man: robbie... doesn't it seem like it's been nighttime for a really long time?
Robbie: Not to me, no.
Wood Man: alright, take a look at the youtube channel then.
Wood Man offered his woodphone to Robbie Rotten, who decided to take a look at the SiIvaGunner channel.
Robbie: What the-?! 2018?
What are all these videos?!
Wood Man: ...don't you get it, robbie?
it's not christmas in the real world. today is actually the 16th of march, 2018.
kirby star allies is supposed to come out today.
despite the kirby games already having a newer villain, we're stuck in some kind of christmas haltmann hell.
and yet, the channel's still picking up jokes
that came into existence well after 2016.
see those videos over there?
Robbie: "Doki Doki Literature Club"...
Wood Man: ever heard of it?
Robbie: That has got to be some kind of EDUCATIONAL club that Sportaflop formed.
Wood Man: not quite. it's a video game that came out in 2017
two thousand and fucking seventeen.
you see, robbie, in this dimension time is stuck in a loop.
it feels like we're moving forward, but at the same time... we're not moving at all.
but how do these new figments keep coming in?
well... the time loop isn't perfect. those figments come from the real world.
the real real world.
Robbie: Well, Wood Man, I'm getting REAL real confused by this.
Wood Man: you know how we came from a computer, right?
into the "real world"?
well... something must have happened that has trapped the "real world" in this time loop.
meanwhile the "real real world" is still moving forward, way ahead of us.
of course, this sort of meta concept is only know to very few of us.
future figments from the "real real world" have been transported to ours through time rifts and integrated into the channel.
but for what purpose?
profit of course.
that's all haltmann cares about.
he wants to make a quick buck by messing with fucking dimensional portals and time, unaware of the lasting effects it has on figments like me.
i feel like i've been here forever man. it sucks.
i could just leave here and move on with my life if i wanted to, but...
...but i just want you guys to be free too.
i can only imagine how 2b feels about this...
There was a moment of silence as Robbie Rotten tried to process what Wood Man just said.
Robbie: How did you even know that?
That sounds like a large pile of flippity doo, Wood Man!
Wood Man: i'm better than you are so i should do the exposition
Robbie: Pah! You couldn't even work your way out of the net I threw on you when we first met!!
Wood Man: that was just one time man, one time.
you don't know what it's like being under that kind of pressure.
Robbie: It was a goshdarned NET!
How hard is that to break out of?!
Wood Man: if you knew it was so easy then how come you used it to capture me?
Robbie: Well, because... uh...
I was just TESTING you! That's it! And you FAILED!
You failed to beat Mega Man, you failed to escape the net...
...you failed to capture the heroes, you failed against Santa...
...and you FAILED making dinner for me!
You FAILED, you useless piece of metal!
FAILED! FAILED! FAILED!
You talk all big about yourself, and everyone thinks you're the coolest.
But I know you for what you REALLY are - a failure!
You can just sit here on your fat metal buttocks and rot in this so-called "time loop" for all I care, you stupid dolt!
Wood Man: is that how it is huh? maybe i should just leave then.
i should just leave all of you behind and go fail somewhere else, while YOU guys can all just rot in this fucking purgatory instead.
you don't even care about the bigger picture, all you want to do is capture heroes anyway. and you can't even fucking do that.
you know goddamn well that you're a failure too robbie.
...and that's why we're together.
Robbie stood stunned.
There was a moment of silence as they stared at each other.
Robbie: I... I'm sorry.
Wood Man: yeah i kinda feel like a piece of shit too rn
Another moment of silence passed as Wood Man and Robbie stared at their plates.
Robbie: You know, the song's called "We Are Number One", right?
Wood Man: so?
Robbie: It's supposed to be a group of people, not one person.
Wood Man couldn't help but smile.
Robbie: Hey, listen. Why don't we finish up our dinner and go back out there?
Let's enjoy this "time loop" for what it's worth, eh?
Wood Man: yeah.
nice
Finished with their dinner, Wood Man and Robbie made their way outside. Suddenly, a voice came from behind.
???: Wood Man!
My garage is ablaze!!
Wood Man: no doctor that's just heat man's lights or some shit
Robbie: Well, Wood Man, you are an odd fellow, but I must say...
...you steam a good bean.
Wood Man and Robbie walked back into the city, ready to cause mischief once more.
Dr. Wily: HEEEEEELP!
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!
THE END
